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Great stuff from Nick Bakay...nfl.com

Discussion in 'Chargers Fan Forum' started by O'reilly, Dec 12, 2006.

  1. O'reilly
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    O'reilly New Member

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    Love this one from his "things that should never happen":

    "GETTING YOUR FANTASY INFO FROM A HOT CHICK READING A TELEPROMPTER"
    But if you do, I want you in my league.

    :icon_rofl:


    Nick Bakay's Manly House of Football: Week 14
    By Nick Bakay
    Special to NFL.com


    (Dec. 6, 2006) -- Back in the day, I worked in a restaurant. Actually, I worked in a lot of 'em. I bussed, I mopped, I chopped onions.

    I told you about tonight's specials, I steered you away from the eggplant, I spilled a Rob Roy on your wife's fur coat. Sorry. She was pretty pissed. Hope the divorce wasn't too messy.

    I even expedited in a mega-busy Manhattan kitchen, a job that lives somewhere between point guard, air traffic controller, and hostage negotiator. Every night, I was the only thing that stood between hundreds of customers, their food, and eight of the surliest chefs and prep cooks known to mankind -- many of which came to work directly from all night gambling sprees, having left their entire paycheck as well as any generosity of spirit behind in Chinatown.


    The man working the chicken fryer is not the man you want to upset.
    Now there's a guy you don't want to ask for a "Bail me out" favor. The margin of error was wafer-thin. If I called out nine grilled lobsters, then realized I actually needed 10, a wave of nausea washed over me as I braced for the hurtful invective soon hurled at me and my mother … with no guarantee of compliance.

    So you better believe the first thing any hep restaurant grunt does to avoid getting screamed at by people who work with knives is constantly check the "86" list -- every restaurant's playbook for entrées or ingredients that are no longer available. When something is 86'd, it's gone, it's over.

    It got me thinking … how about some football items that should be cancelled from the menu?

    "SORRY, WE'RE OUT OF…":
    KICKERS GETTING HURT
    Come on, there is no reason for this to ever happen. Okay, maybe the occasional bone-rattling hit as the safety valve on a big kick return, but don't come to me and tell me you got hurt on a Tuesday. Case in point, the Raiders are currently auditioning kickers because Seabass actually claims he suffered nerve damage while riding in a plane. When was the last time you heard a linebacker try that? And while we're picking on the weak …

    BLESSING YOURSELF BEFORE A KICK
    Nice to see Martin Gramatica go 3-for-4 and solve Bill Parcells' kicker nightmare last Sunday, but did you see all 47 of the prayers and kisses blown skyward before that game-winner? Made Sammy Sosa look like Alester Crowley. Dude, you're kicking a friggin' field goal, not running into a burning building trying to rescue your cat. How about keeping it to one rosary per attempt, 'kay?


    Martin Gramatica made magic for the Cowboys ... with a little help from above.
    "HE THREW HIM UNDER THE BUS"
    Certain phrases run through pop culture like a brush fire. Usually, they start out pretty good -- "Hey, cool, there's a new way to say, 'He sold him out!' " You try it, feeling a little awkward because you know you didn't invent it, you aren't even leasing it. You're just a parrot, but it feels good. Then you overuse it, until you start hearing your grandpa say it, then the guy who checks your water softness, then maybe the precocious kid on an annoying TV show says it for a cheap laugh, and boom -- you've got a mean case of "Phrase Remorse." You quit, cold turkey … but it doesn't stop there. Suddenly, everyone in the world seems to be saying, "He got thrown under the bus" everywhere you go, until the bus reaches the final stop on the line: Sportscasters' pie holes.

    Nine out of 10 sportscasters are just regurgitators. Why be a wordsmith when you're paid a nice wage to spray your hair and spit out cool stuff other people cooked up? Think about it -- they have spotters to tell them who just made that special teams tackle, they have stats wizards feeding them numbers, they have producers in their ears telling them what they are about to see on replay. It just makes sense that the rest of their week is spent writing down pithy language they hear other people scoring with. The only thing worse is when they decide they should do some home cooking. Boom goes the dynamite! Actually, that was pretty great…

    "I'M NOT DRINKING THE KOOL-AID"
    Please see above.

    THOSE NEW, COLD WEATHER REF LONG PANTS
    Anybody else feel like you were watching a high school wrestling match in 1947?

    COACHES WHO SET THEIR CLOCKS 15 MINUTES EARLY …
    …but don't officially tell anyone. Come on -- I know Lombardi did it, too, but if a 1:00 meeting starts at 12:45, just tell me … or, failing that, tell me how on earth this is a part of discipline.


    Tell it to Nick!
    Care to share your unique insights on the NFL? Send them to Nick at nick@nickbakay.com, and he might include them in his next edition of Manly House of Football right here on NFL.com!
    CELEBRITIES IN THE BOOTH
    I have to say this at least once every other week, I always get a sack full of supportive email, but it doesn't change. What are we missing? I know 20 game-time minutes with Topo Giggio probably satisfies some cross-promotional agenda sent from a CEO's desk down to trembling underlings, but what value could this possibly bring to the ratings? What am I missing?!?!

    FRONT OFFICES THAT CAN'T DRAFT
    They always say it's an inexact science -- but is it? Sure, everyone misfires, but riddle me this -- why do certain teams do it well, year in, year out? They must be on to something, and it ain't a dude's time in the 40. If you have three drafts in a row that don't yield a significant starter, isn't it time to walk away?

    WEBSITES DEDICATED TO GETTING SOMEONE FIRED
    Hey, I'm all for freedom of speech, you can do whatever the hell you damn well please. But whenever I see one of those RonZook kinda deals, I can't help thinking about the geniuses behind them. What are you doing all day long? Walking from your mother's kitchen out into your mother's garage just so you can check how many hits you got yesterday? No one who has accomplished anything significant in life could spend their energy this way.

    A TEAM IN LOS ANGELES
    Every year there's talk about finally plugging a team into L.A., but the fact is, it's working out great so why mess with it? I live here, and trust me -- no one cares. We're a city of displaced people who follow every single team in the league from afar in a geographically spread out town with a wicked case of frontrunner-itis. Not a great mix for a league built on the genius of parity, which means suffering through the occasional 4-12 season. The gestalt will never be centralized around a football team the way an ideal NFL city should. Green Bay runs circles around this town. Meanwhile, a big empty market gives other team owners the hammer they need to get stadiums, seat buyouts, anything the hometown can do to keep them from moving.


    Jeff Garcia is the latest QB to fall 'victim' to the Bakay reverse curse.
    ME EVER CALLING OUT A QB AGAIN
    Well, I already apologized to Joey Harrington for proving me wrong in Detroit. Now it's Jeff Garcia 's turn -- I blasted his play coming off the bench after Donovan McNabb went down, then he gets two weeks of starter reps in and stabs a knife into the heart of those Panther playoff hopes. I give up.

    ANYONE WHO EVER SAYS AN NFL PLAYER IS OVERPAID
    Not when J.D. Drew gets $70 million for five years.

    GETTING YOUR FANTASY INFO FROM A HOT CHICK READING A TELEPROMPTER
    But if you do, I want you in my league.

    SHIRTLESS FAT GUYS IN THE STANDS
    Hey, I have a mirror -- don't need more of that.


    TODAY'S SPECIALS:
    Not to be all negative all the time, here are some things I'd actually like to see more of:

    SIDELINE BLOW-UPS
    Admit it -- it's great TV.

    FOOD BUMPERS
    I'll admit it -- anytime the game comes back after a commercial break with a long, tracking shot of cooks hacking up and grilling whatever the local food specialty is, I smile. I am at peace. I have even TiVo-replayed them. Now you know everything.

    CLOSE UP SHOTS OF EQUIPMENT DROPS
    Particularly in the Hi-Def era, I see more and more runs up the middle that end with a big pile-up … and little chunks of guys' equipment flying off, only to rest about five feet away on the turf. I always wonder, "What was that?" An ear pad? A mouth guard? The lug nut from a facemask? Finally, a reason to have sideline reporters.

    ONE LAST THING:
    I got a lot of mail about a great football name that somehow got left off the ALL-TIME LIST: Former Lion HARRY COLON!

    As Oprah might put it; "We say your name!"

    There, that's better.

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