Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Thumper, Jun 23, 2006.
Got any good ones?
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "I might take a while to get hard, I just got laid."
A woman stops by the market to pick up some milk, eggs, and bacon.
A drunk standing in line says to her, "You must be single."
"You're right," says the woman. "You can tell that just by looking at what I'm buying?"
"No," says the drunk, "because you're ugly!"
A new wine for seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area,
which primarily produces Pinot Blanc,
Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have
developed a new hybrid grape that acts
as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce
the number of trips older people have to
make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
Did you hear about the boy bubble who chased the girl bubble?
He wanted to see her bust!
The biggest joke in the NFL :icon_rofl: :hilarious: :lol:
True dat, but Raider jokes, ie, the whole team, belongs in the smack talk forum.
At some point you know you talked to this guy.
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except
one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say,
'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him.
"What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?"...
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Folgers gives you industrial rates.
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you so me.
6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
1. You can do the whole neighborhood.
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
Bus For Alaska
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
Bubba Knows Everybody
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual,
later discovered to be a public school teacher, was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule,
and a calculator. At a morning press conference,
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He
is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of
math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,
"Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means
and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names
like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns,
but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in
every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used
to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When
asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us more fingers and
You're gonna be called Buttah, cuz you'tr onna roll, Slug!!:icon_mrgreen:
A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with
her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to
be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever
watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I actually did once."
"And how did your husband look?"
"Angry, very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere,
and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once
during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his
face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us!!"
Hold yer head up, Baby!!
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2006
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot,blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards,you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men. :icon_rofl:
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
*******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy,half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry,light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're
huge *** hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high. :icon_rofl:
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing
that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy,old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex
a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is
that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants.After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam,
dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
A Professor Was Giving A Lecture On "involuntary Muscular Contractions" To His First Year Medical Students. Realizing That This Was Not The Most Riveting Subject, The Professor Decided To Lighten The Mood Slightly. He Pointed To A Young Woman In The Front Row And Said, "do You Know What Your Assshole Is Doing While You're Having An Orgasm?" She Replied, "golfing With His Buddies."
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street, and they see a
sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each.
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole
gob of these, take'em back to Lexington, sell 'em to our friends,
and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear
your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell
that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Ohio drawl so's they
don't know we is from Kentucky."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Ohio drawl, "I'll take
50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00
each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my
"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Kentucky, ain't ya?"
"Well..yeah," says a surprised Bubba.... "How come you knowed
"Because this is a dry-cleaners."
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old
man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy," you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike..
They coulda been Raider fans, for that matter!!:icon_rofl:
She's a little chunky, but with a rack like that, I know of a good way to work off the extra poundage..... :icon_wink:
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot,blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.
Yup!!:icon_mrgreen: :lol: :yes: :icon_rofl: :icon_banana:
Definitely when they look like the following:
Yup X 2!!:icon_mrgreen:
Separate names with a comma.