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jokes thread

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Thumper, Jun 23, 2006.

  1. Concudan
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    Concudan Caffeinated Commando

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    As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

    Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

    She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

    She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:

    "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
  2. Concudan
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    Pat and **** landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "****! I lost me finger!"
    "Have you now?" says ****. "And how did you do it?"
    "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
    Darn! There goes another one!"
  3. Concudan
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    Sean was fishing and it started to rain,
    so he moved under the bridge for shelter.
    His pal McGinty saw him and called,
    "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?"
    Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."
  4. Concudan
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    Concudan Caffeinated Commando

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    WHAT IS AN IRISHMAN
    An Irishman is a man who?

    May not believe there is a God,
    but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope...
    Won't eat meat on Friday,
    but will drink Jameson for breakfast.....
    Has great respect for the truth,
    he uses in emergencies...
    Sees things not as they are
    but the way they never will be.....
    Cries at sad movies,
    but cheers in battle....
    Hates the English,
    but reserves his cruelty for countryman....
    Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.....
    Believes in civil rights,
    but not in his neighborhood...
    Believes to forgive is divine,
    therefore doesn't exercise it himself....
    Loves religion for its own sake,
    but also because it makes it so
    inconvenient for his neighbors....
    Scorns money,
    but worships those who have it...
    Considers any Irishman who
    achieves success to be a traitor...
  5. Concudan
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    "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

    "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

    "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

    The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

    "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

    Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

    "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

    "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

    "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

    What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

    "Ah, well now," said the lady,

    "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
  6. Concudan
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    And on that note my friends where 'ere you be....

    May the roads rise to meet you. May the wind be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face; The rain fall soft upon your fields And, until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
    A GAELIC BLESSING
  7. BFISA
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    :icon_eek: :icon_rofl:
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  8. Johnny Lightning
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    <TABLE height=295 width="100%" border=0>

    <TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>

    A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
    He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought.
    "I'll just crawl home.

    "The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said

    "Uh,
    yes," he said sheepishly.

    "How did you know?"
    "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
    </PRE></TD></TR></TBODY></P></TABLE>
  9. BFISA
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    A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the
    house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable
    to break something, but the boy continues.

    "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break
    something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the
    shopping center.

    Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the
    store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he
    leaves it.

    Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A
    diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
    out it comes.

    When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's
    seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She
    calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation,
    but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

    When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his
    knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out
    his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The
    balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

    "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

    He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
    the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
  10. Johnny Lightning
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    Johnny Lightning Go Bolts

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    Busted :lol:
  11. Johnny Lightning
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    <TABLE height=295 width="100%" border=0>



    <TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>

    A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench, and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and Orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at Least an hour and a half.

    Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the Whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe, and order another one" routine?"

    "Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to Go home."

    </PRE></TD></TR></TBODY></P></TABLE>
  12. Shamrock
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    Shamrock New Member

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    "May you be in heaven half an hour... before the devil knows you're dead."

    ~~~~~~~~~

    If y'all have never been to Eire, you have to go ..... I've got stories.
  13. Shamrock
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    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW ...."

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to Transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

    RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a ChicagoPneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
  14. Johnny Lightning
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    :lol:
  15. Johnny Lightning
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    Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?

    "The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
    "That's not bad."

    "Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

    "I'd like that.""Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

    "The how come you look so glum?"

    "This week - nothing!"
    </PRE>
  16. BFISA
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    Forget Rednecks, here’s what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about West Virginians...

    ~If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in WV.

    ~If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in WV.

    ~If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in WV.

    ~If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in WV.

    ~If you measure distance in hours, you may live in WV.

    ~If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in WV.

    ~If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in WV.

    ~If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in WV.

    ~If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in WV.

    ~If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in WV.

    ~If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in WV.

    ~If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in WV.

    ~If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in WV.

    ~If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in WV.

    ~If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in WV.

    ~If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in WV.

    ~If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your WV friends & others, you definitely live in WV!
  17. BFISA
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    John had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer. They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. John congratulated her and paid off his losses.



    Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, John, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation." He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.



    The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with John narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.



    On Friday's drive home, John said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favor. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?" Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"



    "What? Why not?" asked John. "Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!" "What?!" Aghast, John swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me." "You bastard!" John screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"
  18. Johnny Lightning
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    Johnny Lightning Go Bolts

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    That really happened to me :lol: :icon_tease:
  19. BFISA
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    :icon_eek: :unsure:
  20. Concudan
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    An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night, she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot.

    One day, while he was ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule to the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
    Immediately, the wife began haranguing him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her, dead on the spot.


    At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.





    After the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.





    The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."



    "And what about the men?" the minister asked.





    "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale
  21. Johnny Lightning
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    <TABLE height=295 width="100%" border=0><CENTER>Bad Car Day</CENTER>
    <TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>
    A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. ''What are you going to do with the prize money?'' the officer asked. The man responded, ''I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.'' At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ''Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk.''This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ''I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.''At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ‘‘are we over the border yet?'' </PRE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
  22. BFISA
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    LITTLE RALPHY!



    A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
    She calls on little Ralphy.
    He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
    The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

    Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.
    There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
    One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

    The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

    The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

    To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
  23. Johnny Lightning
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    What happend to Little Johnny :lol:
  24. Johnny Lightning
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    Johnny Lightning Go Bolts

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    <TABLE height=295 width="100%" border=0>
    <TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>
    This 65-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ***?" She says, "Well, your name never came up." </PRE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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  25. BFISA
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    A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

    "What's up?" she asks.

    "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

    The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

    The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

    "You rotten *****," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"
  26. Johnny Lightning
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    <TABLE height=295 width="100%" border=0><CENTER>Two blondes are walking</CENTER>
    <TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>

    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact On the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!” </PRE>​
    </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
  27. BFISA
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  28. Johnny Lightning
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    Johnny Lightning Go Bolts

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  29. BFISA
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  30. BFISA
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    Thanx Johnny!! :) :tup: :icon_toast:

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