Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Thumper, Jun 23, 2006.
What does it take to circumsize a whale?
Four skin divers.
Subject: DEAF SEX
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times."
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh.! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone. "
A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on the plane to find
himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt,
faded jeans and a cowboy hat.
Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport
of him. "You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go muchmore quickly
if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.
So, let's talk."
The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right.
What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know", says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, "How about
"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him,
"That could be an interesting topic! But, let me ask you a question first
-- horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet,
a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you feel
qualified to discuss nuclear proliferation when you don't know ****?"
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something
with 'hell' and you say something with '***'”. The 4 year old agrees
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old
what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother
in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay
there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat *** it
won't be Cheerios!"
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need
a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field
Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a
replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained
personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off
method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse
balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the
mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a
pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any
customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge
of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a
customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country,
and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and
being typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived
an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating
lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the
side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was
the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still
eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.
As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord,"
and "Glory" ! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached
before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one
of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like
that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
<TABLE height=295 width="100%" border=0>
You know you've had too much coffee when... You can type sixty words a minute with your feet Instant coffee takes too long You chew on other people's fingernails You answer the door, before people knock You sleep with your eyes open You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there You help your dog chase its tail You lick your coffeepot clean You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee You're so wired you pick up FM radio You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!</PRE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
An oldie but goodie-
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, were getting very
drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in
your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone
threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for
the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts
to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and
you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,
Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin.
Itsh snot wha yew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too
many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said
hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twenn ie bucks for
the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says,
"But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he shhhit in
my pants, too
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."
Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.
One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poorthing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket!"
The Irish Daughter
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five
years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not
write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can
ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad...
I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give
mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten
bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye
daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to
the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board
my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute
dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I
thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer
old man a hug."
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.
"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."
"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"
"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.
"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.
Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"
"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,
"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."
"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."
A man and a woman, who have
never met before, but are both married to
other people, found them assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk
and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM , the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma 'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own ****in' blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
There's an old couple, both in their 80's, on a sentimental holiday they went back to the spot where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you recall the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence.' So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The guy, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been going at it for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except fifty years ago that frigging fence wasn't electric."
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