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Jokes!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Pointyearedog, Aug 16, 2014.

  1. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Take My Wife, Please!

    The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

    After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, soldier on!

    I woke up this morning at eight, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

    Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

    The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night."

    My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"

    I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


    Pointy :cool:



     
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  2. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Retirement Speech

    A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

    "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss?s wife; had sex with his boss?s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

    Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

    Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late


    Pointy :D
     
  3. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    A Homesick Yankee

    I was in downtown Atlanta, the other day.
    I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."
    So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "Hope this helps.”

    Pointy :sneaky:
     
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  4. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    The Truth

    Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
    Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
    Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
    Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week. And I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
    Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, It seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
    Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
    Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh*t is adorable...


    Pointy :sneaky:
     
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  5. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Tonsils vs. Circumcision

    Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.
    Theirs will be first on the schedule.
    The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?"
    The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
    The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
    The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"
    The first boy says, "Circumcision."
    "Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."


    Pointy :eek:
     
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  6. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    COINCIDENCES!

    A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
    The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered
    champagne, too!'
    'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am
    celebrating.'
    This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
    'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added:
    'What are you celebrating?'
    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
    gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
    'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year
    my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
    'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
    'I used a different c*ck,' he replied.
    The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!


    Pointy :rolleyes:
     
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  7. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Tale Of Two Doctors


    Boy, this hits the nail on the head...
    Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
    complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require hip surgery.
    The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day
    and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
    The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an
    appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray,
    which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery
    scheduled for 6 months from then pending the review boards decision on
    his age and remaining value to society.
    Why the different treatment for the two patients?
    The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.
    The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care...
    Next election year if there is no change in government we'll all have to find a
    good vet...


    Pointy ;)
     
  8. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Would You marry Again?

    A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
    at him and asks the question...
    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

    WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

    HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

    HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

    WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

    HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

    WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

    HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

    WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

    WIFE: silence --

    HUSBAND: "Sh*t."


    Pointy :)
     
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  9. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Order In The Court!

    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
    A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
    The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.."
    The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
    The judge stops and says to Wally in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
    Wally stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that azzhole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."


    Pointy :D
     
  10. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    The International Council of Man Laws

    1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
    (d) When she is using her teeth.

    3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and peed on by his friends.

    4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is offlimits forever unless you actually marry her.

    5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is huge gay.


    7: When traveling together in a van or large SUV, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    8: When stumbling upon another guy watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

    10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

    11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

    12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

    18: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    19: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

    20: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    21: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

    22: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox360. End of story.

    23: There is no reason for guys to watch figure skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

    24: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
    'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

    'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife squarely on the azz and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'


    I hope this clears up any confusion,

    The International Council of Man Laws


    Pointy :cool:
     
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  11. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    The Mailman's Last Day

    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
    The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
    At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
    At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee.
    She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom -- where they had a most passionate liaison.
    Afterwards, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
    When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
    'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, but what's the dollar for?'
    'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day... and that we should do something special for you I asked him what to give you?'
    He said, "Screw him... give him a dollar."
    She then blushed and added, 'But the breakfast was my idea!


    Pointy :tup:
     
  12. Lance19

    Lance19 BoltTalker

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    I'm starting to worry about you, Pointy. :unsure:
     
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  13. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    ^^^:laugh::laugh::laugh:
     
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  14. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Colonoscopy

    Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
    As I lay on my side on the hospital table, a gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
    "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
    "I haven't got an erection," I replied.
    "No, but I have," replied the nurse.

    Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.


    Pointy :eek:
     
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  15. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    The Sensitive Guy

    A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
    They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'
    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to
    kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into
    his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, More creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there
    together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
    'Well, how was it?'
    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, And says:

    'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'!

    Pointy :rolleyes:
     
  16. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Senior On A Moped

    An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'
    The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
    'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
    'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
    The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
    'No problem,' replies the doctor.
    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
    Just then the light changes, So the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
    He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
    Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
    He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!
    Something whips by him going much faster!
    ' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
    Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph, and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
    Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
    Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
    The Ferrari is flat out, And there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?'
    The old man whispers,
    'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'


    Pointy :D
     
  17. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Spell Checker

    A man received the following text from his neighbor:
    I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you do. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again...
    The man, anguished and betrayed went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and
    killed her!
    A few moments later, a second text came in:
    Damn autocorrect! I meant "wifi", not "wife."


    Pointy :cautious:
     
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  18. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Signage

    Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland

    1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT

    2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART

    3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP

    4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

    5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

    6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

    7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU

    8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

    9. QUIET PLEASE... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

    10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

    WELL DONE… NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF…

    Pointy :laugh:
     
  19. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    The 21st Century

    I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
    "This is the 21st century," she said. “I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

    I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

    Pointy :cool:
     
  20. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Med School Entrance Exam

    When I was young (50 years ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
    One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
    Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.


    Pointy :D
     
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  21. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    27 Top Things That You Will Never Hear A Southern Boy Say:

    27. When I retire, I'm movin' North.

    26. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.

    25. Duct tape won't fix that.

    24. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

    23. We don't keep firearms in this house.

    22. You can't feed that to the dog.

    21. That car is too old and unsafe to drive.

    20. Wrestling is fake.

    19. We're vegetarians.

    18. Do you think my gut is too big?

    19. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

    18. Honey, we don't need another dog.

    17. Who gives a rat's azz who won the Civil War?

    16. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

    15. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

    14. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

    13. Trim the fat off that steak.

    12. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

    11. The tires on that truck are too big.

    10. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

    9. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

    8. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

    7. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

    6. Checkmate

    5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

    4. I don't have a favorite college team.

    3. You guys.

    2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Becky Mae... darlin'

    AND THE NUMBER ONE THANG THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

    1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!


    Pointy :laugh:
     
  22. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    The Philosophy Of Ambiguity

    1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

    2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

    3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
    6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
    8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
    10. Is there another word for synonym?
    11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

    12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
    13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
    15. Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
    16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
    17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
    18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
    19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
    20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
    21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
    23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
    24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
    25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
    26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
    27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
    28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
    29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?
    30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
    31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
    32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    33. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
    34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?


    Pointy :cool:
     
  23. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Dilemma

    A male student asked his college English professor, "What is the definition of a dilemma?"
    The professor said, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that".
    "Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked woman on one side and an equally aroused naked gay man on the other side."
    "Who are you going to turn your back on?"


    Pointy :unsure:
     
  24. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Ole And Sven

    Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
    Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"
    Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
    Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
    The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"
    Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"
    Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
    Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."
    Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
    Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"
    Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
    Ole stopped to think. "No."
    "Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa!"

    Pointy :eek:
     
  25. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Nymphomaniac Convention

    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
    He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
    Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
    She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. "
    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
    "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of
    all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
    "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."


    Pointy :D
     
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  26. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Meanwhile, Back In Court

    Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
    Old Lady: I am 94 years old.
    Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
    Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
    Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
    Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
    Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
    Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
    Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
    Defense Attorney: Why not?
    Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
    Defense Attorney: What happened next?
    Old Lady: He began to rub all over my body
    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
    Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
    Defense Attorney: Why not?
    Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
    Defense Attorney: What happened next?
    Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
    'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
    Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
    Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

    Pointy :laugh:
     
  27. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Daddy Is A Gay Dancer

    The fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
    All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth..
    However, Little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,
    "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."


    Pointy :cautious:
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
  28. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Star Trek

    The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
    As they talked the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
    The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help."
    The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

    The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."


    Pointy :D
     
  29. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Detroit Police Unearth Huge Weapons Cache
    Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2,000 semi-automatic rifles with 125,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked Latino prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Avenue.
    Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:

    "We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."


    Pointy :rolleyes:
     
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  30. Blitzy

    Blitzy Rainbow Bolt

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    Pointy! Do you feel lonely and naked in here? :p
     
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