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Jokes!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Pointyearedog, Aug 16, 2014.

  1. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Best Definition Of ObamaCare

    Nancy Pelosi said, “We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it.”
    A Doctor called-in to a radio show and said,
    "That's the definition of a stool sample."


    Pointy :sick: :poop:
     
  2. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    In Mourning

    A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
    The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
    'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
    The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'


    Pointy :whistling:
     
  3. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Hello Toes!

    Ed was celebrating 80 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes" he said. "How are you? You know, you are 80 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"
    "Hello knees" he continued. "How are you? You know you're 80 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees!"
    Then he looked down at his crotch.
    "Hello Willie! You little Prick. Just think, if you were alive today, you'd be 80!"


    Pointy :cool:
     
  4. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Woman Stops Gator Attack With A Small Beretta Pistol

    This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
    A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

    Here is her story:

    While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma , Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband
    discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting
    her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
    Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
    The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.


    Pointy :cautious:
     
  5. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Little Johnnie Joke

    Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

    His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
    Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
    When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby. 'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie.' Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'
    'Yes,' the mother replied, 'we are so thankful! The Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'

    'That's great,' said little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!'


    Pointy :roflmao:
     
  6. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    SEX

    Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore.
    A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.


    Pointy :rolleyes:
     
  7. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Senior Health

    I was at the Senior Center earlier today and failed a Health & Safety course that was put on for us old folks.
    One of the questions was:
    "In the event of a fire in the building, what steps would you take?"

    "F*cking big ones" was apparently the wrong answer...

    The bastards.


    Pointy :D
     
  8. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    Seeing Eye Dogs

    Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

    The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got our dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch me and do as I do."

    They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing- eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

    The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the little dog said, "A Chihuahua???!!! They gave me a f*cking Chihuahua?!??!"


    Pointy :cool:
     
  9. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog BoltTalker

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    At McDonalds

    A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually.'


    Pointy :p

     

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