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Rep Hos Anon VI - Peace and Harmony

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Thumper, Oct 21, 2007.

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  1. sdbound
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    sdbound New Member

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    I met him in a Vegas bar last year, the guy dresses like he's homeless.
  2. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Mornin y'all!! :)
  3. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Gas

    A fart it is a pleasant thing,
    It gives the belly ease,
    It warms the bed in winter,
    And suffocates the fleas.

    A fart can be quiet,
    A fart can be loud,
    Some leave a powerful,
    Poisonous cloud

    A fart can be short,
    Or a fart can be long,
    Some farts have been known
    To sound like song......

    A fart can create
    A most curious medley,
    A fart can be harmless,
    Or silent, and deadly.

    A fart might not smell,
    While others are vile,
    A fart may pass quickly,
    Or linger a while......

    A fart can occur
    In a number of places,
    And leave everyone there,
    With strange looks on their faces.

    From wide-open prairie,
    To small elevators,
    A fart will find all of
    Us sooner or later.

    But farts are all bad,
    Is simply not true-
    We must never forget.......
    Sweet old farts like you!

    Kinda brings a tear to your eye, dodn'it ?
  4. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    What's in a name-

    In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic

    name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic

    name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also

    called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After

    Careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced

    that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin . Also

    considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin , Dixafix,

    and of course, Ibepokin,



    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in

    liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage

    suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to

    literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call

    this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of

    "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff

    drink".

    Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast

    implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means

    that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky

    boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to

    do with them.
  5. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns




    Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

    When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.

    When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

    Sincerely, Sheila

    Dear Sheila : A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be
    caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that
    there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum
    pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding
    wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

    I hope this helps.

    Walter
  6. Buck Melanoma
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    Buck Melanoma Guest

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    Howdy, folks!
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  7. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Sensible Observations

    1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
    peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
    passengers in his car."
    --Author Unknown

    2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
    get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
    "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
    --Author Unknown

    3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
    There's a support group for that.
    It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
    --Drew Carey

    4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
    not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
    doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
    drop them off at the wrong house."
    --Jeff Foxworthy

    5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
    and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
    infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
    --Dave Barry

    6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
    we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
    wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
    There should be severance pay and the day before they leave
    you, they should have to find you a temp."
    --Bob Ettinger

    7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
    her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
    'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
    --Paula Poundstone

    8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
    better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
    authors of that study: "Duh."
    --Conan O'Brien

    9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
    halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh, my God....
    I could be eating a slow learner."
    --Lynda Montgomery

    10) "I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of
    people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
    and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
    Let's go west.'"
    --Richard Jeni

    11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
    impersonators would be dead."
    --Johnny Carson

    12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
    --Paul Rodriguez

    13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
    but they turned sixty and that's the law."
    --Jerry Seinfeld

    14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
    case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
    from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
    What, do tall people burn slower?"
    --Warren Hutcherson

    15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
    Monogamy is the same."
    --Oscar Wilde

    16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
    member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
    --Mark Twain

    17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
    At least they can find Afghanistan "
    --A. Whitney Brown

    18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
    and the dog will give you a look that says,
    'My God, you're right!
    I never would've thought of that!'"
    --Dave Barry

    19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
    Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
    --Unknown, presumed deceased

    20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
    I believe I'll have another beer."
    - W. C. Fields
  8. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    The Hired Hand


    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So, she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about horses, cattle, and ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done really good job, and the ranch looks great.? You should go into town and kick up your heels."


    The cowboy readily agreed and went into town that next Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no cowboy. Finally he returned around two-thirty. Upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.


    She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she ordered, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.


    Finally, she looked at him and said, "Listen very carefully. Because I am only going to tell you this once." She set the wine glass down. "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
  9. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Spurs dropped a tuff'unta the Celtics :icon_sad: :tdown:
  10. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Mornin y'all!! :)
  11. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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  12. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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  13. in_a_days
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    in_a_days dgaf

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    Mornin' Toby. :wave:
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  14. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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  15. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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  16. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Middle Aged woman-

    <object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/g1TVOXdNkFo&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/g1TVOXdNkFo&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>
  17. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Japanese Toilet Humor-

    <object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/zDxmws9vDRM&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zDxmws9vDRM&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>
  18. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Folks,

    Every 14th of February, you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

    Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created just for men.

    March 20th is now officially 'Steak, ******** & Shut the **** Up Day' Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so the ladies can have a day to show her man just how much she loves him.

    No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town, the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!

    This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, ******** & Shut the **** Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

    The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
  19. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    WHO SAYS SENIORS ARN'T SMART?


    An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

    He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

    The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

    The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

    Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

    "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!
  20. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    IRISH GAS STATION

    Taking a wee break from the golf course,
    Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into
    an Irish gas station.

    An attendant greets him in typical Irish
    Manner, unaware who the golf pro is...
    "Top o' the mornin to ya".

    As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees
    fall out of his pocket.

    "So what are those things, laddie?"
    asks the attendant.

    "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

    "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?"
    inquires the Irishman.

    "Well, they're for resting my balls on when
    I drive," replies Tiger.

    "Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims
    The Irish attendant. "Those fellas at
    Mercedes think of everything."
  21. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    12 year old Scotch-

    A man walks into a bar in need of some excellent scotch whiskey. Asking the bartender to set him up some 12 year old scotch. At the first taste the man spits it out and says this is 8 yr. old scotch and he is in the mood for only 12 yr. old scotch. The bartender pours him another shot and this time as the man spits it out and claims 10 yr. scotch. The bartender looks under the bar and finally notices a bottle of the good stuff and pours him one. The man sips and smiles telling all who can hear that it is the good stuff, 12 yr. old and smooth.

    An old drunk down the bar says "man you sure know your scotch, take a drink of this and see what you think." The man sips the drink and spits it out quickly, "this tastes like piss, fellow!"

    The old drunk says: "Yep it sure is, how old am I."
  22. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Math 1950-2007

    Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter
    girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents
    from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel
    and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
    discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she
    hailed the manager for help . While he tried to explain the transaction
    to her, she stood there and cried

    Why do I tell you this?

    Answer: Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s.

    1. Teaching Math In 1950

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
    is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------


    2. Teaching Math In 1960

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
    is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    3. Teaching Math In 1970

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
    is $80. Did he make a profit?


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------


    4. Teaching Math In 1980

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
    is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


    ------------ --------------------------------------- ---------------------


    5. Teaching Math In 1990

    A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
    inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
    preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
    $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
    participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
    squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
    (There are no wrong answers. )


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    6. Teaching Math In 2007


    Un hachero vende una carretada de metraapara $100. El coste de la productioniones es $80.00. Cuante donero ha hecho
  23. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    A three year old tells all-

    One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and
    my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a
    half years old and had just recovered from an accident in
    which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

    Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift
    and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living
    room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was
    playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a
    little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups
    of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
    home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch
    me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
    thing!!'

    My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the
    hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink
    it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place
    that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
  24. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    All Repped Out!! :)
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  25. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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  26. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    REDNECK VASECTOMY


    An Alabama couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9
    children.

    They went to the doctor to see about getting the
    husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the
    required procedure and asked them what finally made
    them make the decision--why after nine children,
    would they choose to do this.

    The husband replied that they had read in a recent
    article that one out of every ten children being
    born in the United States was Mexican, and they
    didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican
    baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
  27. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

    Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

    Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

    Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."
  28. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Here's a simple testta see if you're from Berkley or elsewhere-

    Here's a simple test to see whether you are from Wisconsin or elsewhere:

    It's a driving rainstorm (of biblical proportions) and you stop in front of a friendly tavern aglow with signs reading "BEER", "FOOD"and various other enticements. The inhabitants are visible through the windows and are showing signs of having one helluva good time. Do you:

    1.Stay in the car and wonder WTF could they be doing in there?
    2.Go inside and see WTF they could be doing in there?
  29. BFISA
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    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    I had one of my delicious culinary fixing do a damn-damn on the inside of the microwave last night. Had cooked on spatters and splatters on the entire inside of that mechanism.

    For removing cooked on stuff, here's the easy way to get it off:

    Fill a bowl about half full of plain ol' water, put it in the microwave, and cook it for about 5 minutes.

    The steam which is created will soften up all the globs and blobs. You can wipe everything clean with a paper towel.

    NOTE for those of you from Berkley: Do not try to pick up that bowl immediately using your bare hands. It is very hot. Use a pot holder or at least two shirt tails..
  30. Buck Melanoma
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    One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.

    He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.
    Bush asks him, "George, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
    "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises and then fades away.
    The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.

    Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
    "Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises and dims from sight.
    The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed.

    Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do for the country?"
    "Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.
    Bush isn't sleeping at all the fourth night, when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

    Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

    Lincoln replies "Go see a play."
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