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You might be a Raiders fan if...

Discussion in 'Smack Talk' started by sdbound, Jul 7, 2008.

  1. sdbound
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    sdbound New Member

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    Courtesy of Hadl21 AKA Johnny (that’s my name too!) from another board.
    Anyway feel free to add your own.
  2. sdbound
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    sdbound New Member

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    You might be a Raiders fan if:


    Your tailgate party is broken up into sections: Crips, Bloods, Aryan Brotherhood and Mexican Mafia.

    You have a family recipe for crack.

    You purchased your current vehicle with Camel Bucks, or got it in trade for pit bull puppies.

    You've never attended an Oakland Raiders game in Oakland.

    Your "work space" doubles as a 7/11 parking lot. Your "live space" doubles as a meth lab.

    You get starstruck by a guy in a gorilla suit.

    If a dentist says he's looking for cavities, you drop your pants.

    The only champagne-pouring celebration you've seen one of your players involved in occurred at a Vegas nightclub and you saw it on youtube.

    You won't steal any car that doesn't have whistle tips.

    You brag about the time you met The Violator, but live in secret shame over the number of times you've been violated.

    You really, really give a **** about whether Ray Guy is in the Hall of Fame.

    You have a favorite brand of paint thinner for huffing.

    You type out things like J-Rock, L-Boogie, D-Mac, Gru-Dawg, etc., and don't even feel like an idiot.

    You're saving up to get your "RIADERS" (sic) tattoo fixed.

    You've ever called "no stab-backs".

    You've nearly drowned while receiving an enema.

    You've been able to fashion a weapon using only government cheese.

    You've been working on any epic blast to post in the SMAK forum for the next time the Raiders beat the Chargers. You've been working on it longer than any online football message boards have been around.

    The phrases you hate most are "tuck rule", "Immaculate Reception" and "assume the position".

    If Jack Tatum had put you into a wheelchair for life...that would RULE!!! I mean, can you imagine!?! It's JACK TATUM!!

    You're excited. A quarter billion dollars in FA signings, and your team might take third place in the AFC West away from the Chiefs. Al's a genius.

    For your birthday, your cellie gave you a pack of menthols and anal warts.

    You sometimes get yourself arrested just to get the free de-lousing.

    Your definitions of the words "pride", "poise" and "excellence" are the exact opposites of the definitions found in the dictionary.

    You love your girlfriend because she smells the way you imagine Warren Sapp smells.

    And you love your boyfriend because he smells the way you imagine Amy Trask smells.

    You've got skidmarks that are older Lane Kiffin.

    You think your new eyeliner makes your eye boogers taste funny.

    When you were little, your uncle, your older brother and the ice cream man who molested you, were all Raiders fans.

    You refer to juvenile hall as your "glory days".

    You're still making payments on your authentic Randy Moss Raiders jersey.

    You don't get these jokes.

    You've shaved a Raiders logo into your mom's back hair.

    You've left an NFL game in a squad car, a paddy wagon, an ambulance and an animal control truck.

    You cry when little kids knock you down and steal your light saber and plastic battleaxe.

    You've changed your first name to "Terdell".

    You've purchased a used wad of Kenny Stabler's chewing tabacco on e-Bay and had a little taste of it, just to feel closer to him.

    You refer to trying to remain upright, after three 40-dawgs of malt liquor, as "the vertical game".

    When you paint your face black, but forgo the silver lipstick and blush, it means you're in mourning.

    You always keister a few extra box-cutters, in case your buddies forget theirs.

    You've spent hours trying to sand the Port-O-San stencil off of your "house".

    You've composed dozens of insulting posts about the only head coaches to get your team more than four wins in a season during the current millenium.

    You are covered in a layer of stick-um...which has less to do with an on-going tribute to Bilitnikoff and Lester than is does to a lack of attention to personal hygiene.

    the few times you've gotten a pole in your pants, it's been sebastian janikowski.

    You're pretty sure that Napoleon Dynamite played either RB or LB for the Raiders at one time.

    Michael Jackson has a standing bid for your skeleton after you're dead.

    Your high school nickname was "Tazed & Confused".

    Your proudest possession is your black and silver house-arrest ankle bracelet.

    You lose all self-control upon hearing The Black Hole Mating Call: "Raaaaaaaaay-derrrrrrrss! Raaaaaaaaay-derrrrrrrss!..."

    You've "pimped out" your shopping cart.

    You've modelled as "Before" in more than three Before/After ad campaigns.

    You plan to get eight of your friends to help you beat up Nancy Gay.

    You think of Matt Millen, not as the dumbass who incompetently runs the Detroit Lions, but as the dumbass who used to play for the Raiders. And Bill Rominowski, not as to steroid-sodden embarassment who ended a rookie's career with a Training Camp sucker punch, but as the steroid-sodden embarassment who played for the Raiders. And Cole Ford, not as the psychotic freak that shot up Seigfreid & Roy's house, but as the psychotic freak who played for the Raiders. And Darrell Russell, not as...

    You cause drug-sniffing dogs to pass out.

    You've wracked your brain for weeks, and the freshest username you could come up with was "Raider [your first name here]" or "Raiderfan [add numeral here]".

    In honor of Al Davis' birthday, every year you soil your shiny white track suit.

    You've been a "mile high" while watching the Raiders, but you've never been to Denver.

    You consider your parole officers an "entourage".

    You hold firm to the belief that a Raider fan, like a Raider player, isn't a true Raider until he's been found face-down in a gutter.

    Jerry Porter's bling-bling dollar bill belt buckle is the finest thing you could ever imagine, and you'd literally kill to have one...if only you could afford bus fare to Jacksonville.

    You saw nothing odd about hiring the day manager of a bed & breakfast as a NFL coordinator.

    You're waiting for HC Art Shell - Part Three (A New Hope).

    You don't use the name "Robert Gallery" as a punchline.

    Your forum starts three simultaneous "We Should Get This Guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" threads for every player that gets cut by another team...yes, even by the Cardinals, Lions and Chiefs.

    You're sure that this season, Ronald Curry won't tear an Achilles tendon when tieing his shoes.

    You've pulled a knife on an ATM and demanded that it give you "all the Benjamins, *****!!"


    None of your friends have told you that pants are usually worn under the black leather chaps.

    When you die, you want you ashes spread over Nnamdi Asomugha.

    The Oakland Police have a radio-code number just for you.

    Your sister douches with BOOM!! Tough-Actin' Tinactin.

    You hope that, next time, when they show the security-camera video, in court, of you knocking over a liquor store, the prosecutor uses the telestrator.

    You wish John Madden would go back to the Sans-A-Belts.

    -If you're young, you favor the Jheri-curled perm-mullet (the "Christiansen") or the long and greasy look (the "Gallery", formerly the "Brett 'The Hitman" Hart"), as your look.
    -If you are old, you prefer the balding pompadour (the "Davis"), the skullet (the "Bilitinikoff") or the blow-dried combover (the "Flores").
    -You tried the "Sistrunk" once, but when you wore a turtleneck, people mistook for a penis.

    In 2016, you plan to celebrate the Golden Anniversary of the last time your team drafted a decent QB.

    You're really looking forward to the movie "Mongol", because, like the crowds at a Raiders game, it'll have several thousand mongoloids.

    Bailbonds companies run TV ads to welcome you and your friends back to town.

    You failed as a drug-dealer because you couldn't comprehend that dime bags don't sell for ten cents.

    Two hundred yards means two things to you: LT playing in Oakland and the length of your rap sheet.

    You think that you may be related to Cap'n Crunch, because he dresses like a pirate and is kind of gay, too.

    You don't have plates on your car because it reminds you of work.

    Every Valentines Day you get " I miss you" card from a cell mate you knew only as "Bubba."

    You really do believe that the whole league "fears us" as a team when it really is because of the new generation of antibiotic resistant diseases.

    You start your car... with a screwdriver.

    You spend Mother's Day visiting Mom at her place... separated by a thick pane of glass.

    You get an erection whenever you see a 300 pound woman with a mustache.
  3. Rainman
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    Rainman BoltTalker

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    ...you spend more on alcohol in a week than you do on dental care in a year. :tup:
    • Like Like x 1
  4. SuperCharger21
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    SuperCharger21 BoltTalker

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    I'm glad to see that Hadl is trying to take credit for something that I started on another board.
    • Like Like x 1
  5. SuperCharger21
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    SuperCharger21 BoltTalker

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    Here's the list that started it all. Hadl added to this on another forum:

    You know you're a Raider fan:

    When you have to use both hands to count how many of your family members are in prison.

    When you get the toilet water confused with Eu De Toilette.

    When you sue the creators of "Oz" over privacy rights.

    When you go to a theater revival of "Stomp" and leave shoe treads on the backs of the audience members.

    When you go into a store and before shopping, you seek out the store manager and say "I didn't do it".

    When you have a bailbondsman on speed dial.

    When you wake up in a cold sweat muttering "48-21.. oh my God".

    If you thought the show "Playmakers" was a documentary.

    When your spouse is also your parole officer (courtest of CaptainD).

    When you're Halloween shopping in August (CaptainD).

    When you go to any football game and the beer sales are cut off at halftime (CaptainD).

    When someone in a crowd yells "You piece of ****!!" and you turn around to see who's talking to you.

    When your kid says "Pokemon" and you reply, "Yeah, I spent a few years in incarceration".

    When your birth certificate documents your name as "Defendant".

    When your newborn picture on the day you leave the hospital is a cape and Darth Vader mask.

    When your dad gives you your first set of cuff links, and tells you he'll give you the key later.

    When your trailer's curbside appeal improves with each additional empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon added to the artwork.


    When your library card is only good at any library in the California penal system.

    When the judge knows you by name.

    When you feel that Michael got a raw deal in the "Halloween" movies.

    When a cop asks you why you were speeding and you reply, "Isn't that what meth is made for officer?".

    If prom was canceled on your cell block.

    If your buddies give you a hard time because you only have one teardrop tattoo.

    When your baby is too scared to come out during labor when it keeps seeing the costume.

    If your wife ever says, "Hey honey, come take a look at this before I flush!" (CaptainD)

    If you've ever loaned your lighter to a Raiders assistant coach.

    When the prison dentist orders an oral exam and you say, "Been there, done that.".

    When your prom queen has more years of age than teeth.

    When you can't figure out why you're still single.

    When you buy Gumout thinking that it'll help you keep your tooth clean.

    When you can spell Matuszak, but nothing else.

    If you get out of prison and have to undergo tattoo removal on your butt that says, "Property of"..

    When you believe that you must have a high IQ, because you can't count all the way up to it.

    If you think age doesn't matter.

    When it makes more sense to stay in prison, because that's where your family and friends are.

    If you get stopped by CHP and they ask you if you have an I.D., and you reply, "about what?".

    When you look forward to having more tattoos than your mom one day.

    When you have a dedicated filing cabinet at the police station. (CaptainD)

    If you watched the History Channel's "Big House" looking for yourself on tv.

    If you were acquitted of murdering your first wife after she threw out your Darth Raider costume.

    When you are invited to a tailgate and volunteer to bring the KY and condoms.

    When you recognize the neighborhoods filmed on COPS and think you're safe now because the show's over.

    If you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.

    When one of your kids was born in confinement.

    If you have to wonder if you can vote for the Pro-Bowl.

    When you're brimming with pride about your daughter being selected to appear on http://www.8thstreetlatinas.com/

    If you have make up sex during a conjugal visit.

    If your Aunt and your Grandma are fighting over who is the widow.

    When your high school senior class voted you "Most likely to wind up in jail". (CaptainD)

    If you think a "Brown out" means you're getting deported.

    When your "escape from reality" nets you another 10 years from the judge.

    If you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

    If you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

    If your dentist has ever muttered "oh my God", then puked in his mask.

    When "life after 30" refers to your stint at San Quentin.

    If your mom has ever been in a fist-fight at a high school sporting event.

    When the final scene in "Return of the Jedi" brings tears to your eyes. (CaptainD)

    If you've ever accidentally stolen the radio from your own car.

    If after making love, you have to ask your date to return to his cell.

    If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

    If this is your 8th year in the 3rd grade.

    If you brag to your friends that you'll make a difference in life after the doctor told you you were 'impotent'.

    If you've ever bragged to your friends that you can make a shank from your own feces.

    When your police file weighs more than you. (CaptainD)

    If you're 8 years older than your math teacher.

    If you wrecked your Harley while delivering pizzas. (CaptainD)

    If "Alice in Chains" inspires erotic Brady Bunch fantasies. (CaptainD)

    If your primary source of income is a pawn shop.

    If you think your wife's beer belly is hot.

    If your blood alcohol content has ever been higher than your IQ.

    If you've played "Shout at the Devil" at all of your weddings. (CaptainD)

    If your typical meal time behavior includes surrounding your plate with your arm in an attempt to keep the other inmates from stealing your chow.

    If switchblades are on your tailgate checklist.

    When you keep a coffee can of cash marked BAIL MONEY.

    If you've ever had a bottle of Olde English in your glove compartment.

    If you spend your welfare check on season tickets.

    If you wear the same thing to a comic convention that you do to the stadium.

    When you don't need to change your outfit for your night job (robbing houses).

    If you've never seen your team play a home game on tv.

    If you threw objects at the opposing team's running back who just scored the winning touchdown in overtime at your stadium.

    If your steering wheel is a chain.

    If your collection of Star Wars action figures is only slightly larger than your collection of Calvin-pissing-on-the-helmets-of-other-AFC-west-teams bumper stickers.

    If your name is tattooed on your girlfriend's ***, in alphabetical order - "right there under the G's".

    If you keep an empty bottle of malt liquor near the bed because you're too lazy to go to the bathroom.

    If you confuse rooting for a pro football team with your passions for cross-dressing, WWE, metal, sci-fi, latent homosexuality, muscle cars, leather, face paint, choppers and fat chicks.

    If you're invited on a train ride and answer, "Yeah, my wife was into that stuff before we got married".

    If someone asks you what the line on the game is, and you break out a razor, straw and a mirror.

    If you're a repeat guest on "Springer".

    If your home doesn't really need a foundation.

    If "shared custody" means you're one of 4 possible fathers.

    When your friends can always find you at the Wal-Mart cosmetics counter.

    When you're proud of the "**** YOU" tattoo on your knuckles.

    When you take your ride down to Tilo's Torque-sters to get the WOOWOO installed.

    When you bounce a check for smokes.

    When you have maxed out your Pep Boys line of credit.

    If your family has a tattoo fund.

    When you find the girl of your dreams at the clinic.

    If you're under-qualified for the Special Olympics.

    When you're denied ownership of a firearm.

    If the idea of a Bacardi I.V. drip sounds appealing to you.

    When the color of your underwear matches your skin tone.

    If you think you're healthy because the doctor said you're sterile.

    If you bought your spouse on e-bay.

    When you own his and hers Darth Vader costumes.

    When you use Raid, Aquanet or Tres Flores on your hair.

    When your wife's wedding ring is a gold set of brass knuckles with a diamond on the ring finger.

    If you think Al Davis is looking out for your best interests.

    When you've already got the jogging suit picked out that you want to be buried in.

    If your wife can slam a beer bong faster than you.

    When you think that the handicapped spots are for those too drunk to walk very far.

    If you have an online account with Canadian suppliers of penicillin.

    If you think Balzac is genitalia.

    If you think Beethoven's 5th was a plea at a trial.

    When you think a Ford Probe is something other than a car.

    When you've lost more trailers through divorce than the average Oklahoman has lost through tornados. (CaptainD)

    When you think buying a car seat for your infant is a waste of good beer money.

    When you think that riding shotgun means you'll get to pull the trigger.

    When you get mad that you can't use your food stamps for beer.

    When fine dining means you let your old lady choose between the hot or mild sauce.

    When fine dining means the spork is included at no cost.

    If you've ever traded food stamps for crack.

    When over 50% of your family photos have black I.D. numbers at the bottom.

    If you consider Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker or Jim Beam among your close, personal friends.

    If you ever did wind sprints with a cigarette in your mouth with Fred Billetnikoff.

    When you get denied for a payday loan.

    When you think Roe vs. Wade was a boxing match you were too drunk to remember watching.

    If you've ever given your mom a 10 pack of beer for Christmas "'cause gif rappin' is tough werk!"

    If you have to wait for the library to open to get back at me for posting this.
  6. Rainman
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    Rainman BoltTalker

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    ...you've "taken a bath" 600 times in your life, and 599 of them were bad nights at the casino.

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