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Dear Alcohol:

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Deb, Jun 26, 2008.

  1. Deb

    Deb BoltTalker

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    Dear Alcohol,

    First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

    1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

    2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat candy bar after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you
    went too far this time.

    3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
    door key into the lock.

    4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

    Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
    above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you,

    Your biggest fan

    P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    1. Innovative

    2. Preliminary

    3. Proliferation

    4. Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    1. Specificity

    2. British Constitution

    3. Passive-aggressive disorder

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

    2. Nope, no more beer for me.

    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

    4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

    5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
     
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  2. Buck Melanoma

    Buck Melanoma Guest

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    :icon_rofl: :icon_rofl: :icon_party:
     
  3. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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  4. Lightning's Girl

    Lightning's Girl Mod Chick =) Staff Member Moderator

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    :icon_rofl::icon_rofl::icon_rofl::icon_toast::tup:

    Reminds me of my younger days (daze?):lol:
     
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  5. rexy2006

    rexy2006 Well-Known Member

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    reminds me of, er, last weekend.:icon_party:
     
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  6. AnteaterCharger

    AnteaterCharger Calibrating Bolttalk, Podcast by Podcast Staff Member Super Moderator Podcaster

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    Dear Alcohol
    Thank you for flashers but you need to be much pickier
    Love
    Ant
     
  7. Deb

    Deb BoltTalker

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    yeah a lot of memories in that all for me too LOL
     
  8. LV Bolt Fan

    LV Bolt Fan Well-Known Member

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    I'll drink to that. :icon_party:
     
  9. Lightning's Girl

    Lightning's Girl Mod Chick =) Staff Member Moderator

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    :icon_rofl:


    All repped out!:icon_sad:
     
  10. TheLash

    TheLash Well-Known Member

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    drunk when camping is the best because you only have to make it home to your tent:icon_toast:
     
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  11. Lightning's Girl

    Lightning's Girl Mod Chick =) Staff Member Moderator

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    Yeah, but then you take the five-cell flashlight to the outhouse with you around 3 AM when you have to pee, and you drop it down the hole, and after that, you can't see where you're going.......only where you've been.:icon_eek:
     
  12. rexy2006

    rexy2006 Well-Known Member

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    Seems to me like this is coming from personal experience???:icon_shrug:
     

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