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Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by HollywoodLeo, Feb 7, 2007.

  1. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw **** you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
     
  2. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
     
  3. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
     
  4. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
     
  5. Concudan

    Concudan Caffeinated Commando

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    Post padding alert!

    If this were an actuall post you would know it.
     
  6. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
     
  7. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    Not much thought involved in this post. :no:
     
  8. Concudan

    Concudan Caffeinated Commando

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    You were not expecting much were you?:icon_eek:
     
  9. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    was that an auto post feature or something?
     
  10. Concudan

    Concudan Caffeinated Commando

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    no....:icon_huh:
     
  11. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    It was the wording/timing.

    vBulliten's coming out with all kind of cool features as of late, it seems, that wouldn't have suprised me.
     
  12. Concudan

    Concudan Caffeinated Commando

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    Just me bein a smart arse.... :icon_eek:
     
  13. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
     
  14. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
     
  15. Johnny Lightning

    Johnny Lightning Go Bolts

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    post pad alert [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
  16. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
     
  17. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
     

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