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jokes thread

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Thumper, Jun 23, 2006.

  1. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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  2. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    New Drink-

    A woman and her husband together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her husband into having one.



    After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.



    The husband looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.



    "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."



    So, the husband, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.



    He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK.



    He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is OK.



    Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.



    In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

    At two seconds the Baileys curdles.

    At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.



    At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.



    This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his wife, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his wife, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"



    She smiles widely at him and says "******** Revenge."
     
  3. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Two buddys, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly one throws up all over himself.

    "Oh, no. My Wife is going to kill me!"

    His buddy says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell your Wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.

    So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

    Eventually the drunk stumbles home and his Wife starts to give him a hard time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

    Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cuplarrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

    His Wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks".

    Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he crapped in my pants, too."
     
  4. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.



    The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.



    He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.



    Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Is the cat there?" "Of course, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
     
  5. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.

    After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

    They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

    "What happened?" she asks.

    "I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
     
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  6. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

    For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

    However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
    attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his
    chest while he is on fire.

    No further studies are expected.
     
  7. Boltdiehard

    Boltdiehard Well-Known Member

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    NEWS FLASH


    President Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next summer Olympics.

    He said that "anyone who can run, jump or swim has already left the country".
     
  8. Boltdiehard

    Boltdiehard Well-Known Member

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    Walmart Greeter

    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.

    The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

    The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

    "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."
     
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  9. Carrie1219

    Carrie1219 Banned Banned

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    A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
    The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
    The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
     
  10. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    :icon_eek: :icon_rofl:
     
  11. Concudan

    Concudan Caffeinated Commando

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    :icon_shrug:
     
  12. BigJim

    BigJim New Member

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    A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, “All politicians are douche bags.”
    A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

    The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

    “No," he replies, "I'm an douche bag.”
     
  13. BigJim

    BigJim New Member

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    A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....
    Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."
    Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

    Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

    Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

    Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

    Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

    Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

    Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

    Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
     
  14. BigJim

    BigJim New Member

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    In the human body, which organ is in charge?

    All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

    The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

    "I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

    "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

    "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

    The moral of the story?

    You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *** hole.
     
  15. BigJim

    BigJim New Member

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    A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is.

    "My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me."

    "Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks.

    "I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose."

    The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you."

    "Well," the man says, "she's a sore loser."
     
  16. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Bedtime story-

    Husband and wife in bed together.
    She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
    She: "Oh, that feels good."
    His hand moves to her breast.
    She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
    His hand moves to her leg.
    She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
    But he stops.
    She: "Why did you stop?"
    He: "I found the remote."
     
  17. Shamrock

    Shamrock New Member

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    He must be that Wisconsin dude that did a necrophilic deer.
     
  18. Shamrock

    Shamrock New Member

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    It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities.



    Now after "original and proprietary" research they are proud to present the results.



    REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
    With her consent.................................12 Calories
    Without her consent............................2187 Calories


    OPENING HER BRA:
    With both hands.................................8 Calories
    With one hand...................................12 Calories
    With your teeth.................................485 Calories





    PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
    With an erection.....................................6 Calories
    Without an erection............................3315 Calories


    POSITIONS:
    Missionary...........................................12 Calories
    69 lying down...................................78 Calories
    69 standing up..................................812 Calories
    Wheelbarrow....................................216 Calories
    Doggy Style......................................326 Calories
    Italian chandelier............. ................2912 Calories


    ORGASMS:
    Real................................... . .........112 Calories
    Fake............................................ 1315 Calories


    POST ORGASM:
    Lying in bed hugging......................................18 Calories
    Getting up immediately...................................36 Calories
    Explaining why you got out of bed immediately.......816 Calories


    GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
    20-29 years....................................36 Calories
    30-39 years....................................80 Calories
    40-49 years....................................124 Calories
    50-59 years....................................1972 Calories
    60-69 years....................................7916 Calories
    70 and over....................................Results are still pending


    DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
    Calmly.....................................................32 Calories
    In a hurry.....................................................98 Calories
    With her father knocking at the door...........5218 Calories
    With your wife knocking at the door............13,521 Calories
     
  19. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Christ, venison's gonna hafta be tested for HIV!! :tdown: :icon_twisted:
     
  20. Johnny Lightning

    Johnny Lightning Go Bolts

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    <CENTER>Half time</CENTER></TH>
    <TABLE height=295 width="100%" border=0>
    <TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>
    One evening, a man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes, the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"The man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead, seven to nothing."A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"The wife replies, "Touchdown, tie score."The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he sh**s all over the bed.The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides." </PRE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></P>
     
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  21. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Ohioans..

    If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May.........
    you may live in Ohio.

    If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work
    there....you may live in Ohio.

    If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a
    wrong number.......you may live in Ohio.

    If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once...you may live
    in Ohio.

    If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back
    again........you may live in Ohio.

    If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard
    without flinching,.........you may live in Ohio.

    If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both
    unlocked......... you may live in Ohio.

    If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them........
    you may live in Ohio.

    If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
    snowsuit..........you may live in Ohio.

    If the speed limit on the highway is 65 mph --you're going 80 and everybody
    is passing you......you may live in Ohio.

    If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
    snow........you may live in Ohio.

    If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
    construction.........you may live in Ohio.

    If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.......you may live
    in Ohio.

    If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly"........ you may live in Ohio.
     
  22. Johnny Lightning

    Johnny Lightning Go Bolts

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    <CENTER>A New Position</CENTER><CENTER> </CENTER>Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
    Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on
    the couch and drink beer and fart!


    Authour Trumpet Man
     
  23. Shamrock

    Shamrock New Member

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    ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
    I have been with a loose woman."
    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
    "Yes, Father, it is."
    "And who was the woman you were with?"
    "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
    "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
    well tell me now.
    "Was it Tina Minetti?"
    "I cannot say."
    "Was it Teresa Volpe?"
    "I'll never tell."
    "Was it Nina Capelli?"
    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"
    "My lips are sealed."
    "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
    "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
    The priest sighs in frustration.
    "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.
    But you've sinned and have to atone.
    You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
    Now you go and behave yourself."
    Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,
    "What'd you get?"
    "Four months vacation and five good leads."
     
  24. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Martha recently lost her husband.
    She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
    Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.

    Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him...."
    Bob, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
    I bought it with the insurance money!"

    She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
    "Bob, remember that car you promised me?
    Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

    Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
    "Bob, that diamond ring you promised me?
    Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

    Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
    "Bob, remember that ******** I promised you?"

    "Here it comes."
     
  25. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

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    Boudreaux and Thibodoux-

    Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were fishing one day when Boudreaux pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Thibodeaux for a light.

    "Shure, I got a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

    "Jiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Boudreaux, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Where did yew git dat monster??"

    "Well," replied Thibodeaux, "I got it from my Genie."

    "You gots a genie in dat tackle box?" Boudreaux asked.

    "Yep, I shure got one. It's right here in my tackle box," says Thibodeaux.

    "Could I see him?"

    So Thibodeaux opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

    Addressing the genie, Boudreaux says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your Master, will yew grant me one wish?"

    "Yes, I will," says the genie.

    So Boudreaux asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Boudreaux sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

    Shortly, the sky darkens and is soon filled with the sound of a million ducks ... flying overhead.

    Over the roar of the million ducks Boudreaux yells at Thiboduaux. "Jumpin' Jimminy Crickets! I axt for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

    Thibodeaux answers, "Yup, I forgot to tell yew dat genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I axt for a 10-inch Bic?"
     
  26. Johnny Lightning

    Johnny Lightning Go Bolts

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    :lol:
     
  27. Shamrock

    Shamrock New Member

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    A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.”

    The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting.


    ”Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.
    Let's head to the club and have a martini."


    After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.



    They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.



    The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.


    ”I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.


    After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."


    The woman said, "I don't want any of those b!tches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
     
  28. Shamrock

    Shamrock New Member

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    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.


    The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a
    satisfied smile on its face.



    The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says;


    "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
     
  29. Shamrock

    Shamrock New Member

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