1. Welcome to San Diego Chargers NFL Football Podcast and Forum!
    Bolt Talk is one of the largest online communities for the San Diego Chargers.
    We host a regular Chargers podcast during the season.

    You are currently viewing our community forums as a guest user.

    Create an Account or

    Having an account grants you additional privileges, such as creating and participating in discussions. Furthermore, we hide most of the ads once you register as a member!

Jokes!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Pointyearedog, Aug 16, 2014.

  1. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
  2. Pumpkin Bolt

    Pumpkin Bolt Zin me!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2011
    Messages:
    4,431
    Ratings:
    +421
    OK, Pointy is time to come out of here! :D

     
  3. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    I haven't yet begun to defile myself...
     
  4. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    Bad News

    This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned John Kerry that if the United States continues meddling in Egypt, Libya, and now in Iraq, Syria, and Afghanistan, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

    If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.

    Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents.

    Folks, it's gonna get ugly...


    Pointy :tup:
     
  5. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    A Shark Tale

    Why do Sharks Swim Around You Before Attacking?

    Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
    "Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
    "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
    "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
    "Now we eat everybody."
    And they did.
    When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?
    His wise father replied,"Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"

    Pointy :D
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  6. Pumpkin Bolt

    Pumpkin Bolt Zin me!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2011
    Messages:
    4,431
    Ratings:
    +421
    A guy calls 911. "Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke!"

    The 911 operator asks, "Is this her first child?"

    "No, you moron” yells the guy. "This is her husband!"
     
  7. Pumpkin Bolt

    Pumpkin Bolt Zin me!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2011
    Messages:
    4,431
    Ratings:
    +421
    flat tire

    A blondes car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

    She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

    The life like cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

    Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

    "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

    "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

    "Ummmm....HELLLLLLO, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied
     
  8. Pumpkin Bolt

    Pumpkin Bolt Zin me!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2011
    Messages:
    4,431
    Ratings:
    +421
    Happy Hour In Tennessee

    A redneck is driving down a back road in Tennessee. A sign in front of a restaurant reads: Happy Hour Special. "Lobster Tail and Beer."

    "What a surprise," he says to himself. "My three favorite things!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. Lance19

    Lance19 BoltTalker

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2011
    Messages:
    3,869
    Ratings:
    +1,727
    "Obama is a big doody-head and a melanin-hoarder and probably smells bad!"




    Dang, these jokes really do write themselves!
     
  10. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years. Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time?
    Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
    The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff..."Dad...I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."
    "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner!
    You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
    "OK, Daddy... as ye wish... I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.
    She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."
    "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad
    Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
    "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl!
    I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.

    Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."


    Pointy ;)
     
  11. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    Cowboy In A Drugstore

    Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
    Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
    Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin."


    Pointy :laugh:
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    How Is Norma Doing?

    A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone that could tell me how a patient is doing?"
    The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
    The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, " Norma Findlay, Room 302."
    The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
    After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
    The grandmother said,"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
    The operator replied,"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
    The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh*t."


    Pointy :rolleyes:
     
  13. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    Sex On Mars
    The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
    They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc... Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
    'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
    A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips... He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
    'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen...
    'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
    'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
    'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
    'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
    'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
    'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
    The next day the couples re-join their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
    'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
    'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache! She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'


    Pointy :eek:
     
  14. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    New Stamp

    The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it.
    The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
    This enraged the president who demanded a full investigation.
    After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

    1.The stamp is in perfect order.
    2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
    3. People are spitting on the wrong side.


    Pointy :p
     
  15. ThunderHorse17

    ThunderHorse17 Lone Wolf

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2010
    Messages:
    5,030
    Ratings:
    +294
    Nice. I jus got 1 that I been thinkin of lately


    What do politicians and weathermen have in common?




    They both lie their asses off and get paid for it. And we still come back for more expecting different results.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2014
  16. ThunderHorse17

    ThunderHorse17 Lone Wolf

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2010
    Messages:
    5,030
    Ratings:
    +294

    First of all where has this thread been all these years?

    And I just saw that Big bang episode yesterday! Bazinga indeed.
     
  17. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    ^^^ Just created, sort of...
     
  18. ThunderHorse17

    ThunderHorse17 Lone Wolf

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2010
    Messages:
    5,030
    Ratings:
    +294
    Better late than never.
     
  19. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    40 Years Of Marriage

    A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
    Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
    She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
    The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
    The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
    The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
    The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!
    So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!
    The husband became 92 years old.


    The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female...

    Pointy :sneaky:
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  20. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    Ladies.jpg


    Pointy :tup:
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  21. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    My Accident

    I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU, tubes entering different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function, a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
    It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
    I heard her say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

    I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your t*ts, then?'


    Pointy :whistling:
     
  22. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    Sister-In-Law

    This morning, my Sister-In-Law sat on my glasses and broke them.
    It was my own fault, I should have taken them off first...


    Pointy :cool:
     
    • Like Like x 1
  23. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    Amish Sex Ed

    An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up. " The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

    The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

    The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

    The girl replied," Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

    The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."


    The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
    Slightly concerned the mother said, " Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?"
    The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!


    Pointy :D




     
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  24. Pumpkin Bolt

    Pumpkin Bolt Zin me!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2011
    Messages:
    4,431
    Ratings:
    +421
    [​IMG]
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
  25. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    Shopping

    A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
    Men get it right the first time... My work here is done.


    Pointy :D
     
  26. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    Water In The Carburetor

    WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
    HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous!"
    WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
    HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

    WIFE: “In the pool.”


    Pointy :rolleyes:
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  27. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    Medical Advice

    Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


    Pointy :p
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  28. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    Another Day At The Law Firm

    One day the directors of a big law office were each called in to the chairman's office, one at a time, until only the newest, most junior executive was left sitting nervously outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the other eight directors seated solemnly around a table.
    Chairman: "Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?"
    Junior Partner: "No sir, certainly not."
    "Are you absolutely sure?" persisted the chairman.
    Junior Partner: "Absolutely sir. I've never laid a finger on her!"
    Chairman: "You'd swear to that on a stack of bibles and over your grandmother's grave?"
    Junior Partner: "Yes sir, I swear I've never had a sexual relationship with your secretary, Miss Foyt."

    Chairman: "Good. Then you fire her."


    Pointy :whistling:
     
  29. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    New Business Opportunity

    I Thought you might want to consider getting on board early. A German Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

    He's making land mines that look just like prayer mats. It's doing very well.

    He says prophets are going through the roof...


    Pointy :rolleyes:
     
  30. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,847
    Ratings:
    +1,177
    An Accident Report


    I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put poor planning as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
    I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools .
    You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.
    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.
    I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.
    The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.
    I let go of the rope…

    Pointy :confused:
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2014

Share This Page