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Jokes!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Pointyearedog, Aug 16, 2014.

  1. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Best Definition Of ObamaCare

    Nancy Pelosi said, “We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it.”
    A Doctor called-in to a radio show and said,
    "That's the definition of a stool sample."


    Pointy :sick: :poop:
     
  2. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    In Mourning

    A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
    The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
    'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
    The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'


    Pointy :whistling:
     
  3. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Hello Toes!

    Ed was celebrating 80 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes" he said. "How are you? You know, you are 80 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"
    "Hello knees" he continued. "How are you? You know you're 80 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees!"
    Then he looked down at his crotch.
    "Hello Willie! You little Prick. Just think, if you were alive today, you'd be 80!"


    Pointy :cool:
     
  4. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Woman Stops Gator Attack With A Small Beretta Pistol

    This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
    A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

    Here is her story:

    While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma , Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband
    discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting
    her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
    Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
    The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.


    Pointy :cautious:
     
  5. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Little Johnnie Joke

    Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

    His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
    Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
    When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby. 'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie.' Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'
    'Yes,' the mother replied, 'we are so thankful! The Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'

    'That's great,' said little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!'


    Pointy :roflmao:
     
  6. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    SEX

    Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore.
    A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.


    Pointy :rolleyes:
     
  7. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Senior Health

    I was at the Senior Center earlier today and failed a Health & Safety course that was put on for us old folks.
    One of the questions was:
    "In the event of a fire in the building, what steps would you take?"

    "F*cking big ones" was apparently the wrong answer...

    The bastards.


    Pointy :D
     
  8. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Seeing Eye Dogs

    Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

    The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got our dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch me and do as I do."

    They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing- eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

    The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the little dog said, "A Chihuahua???!!! They gave me a f*cking Chihuahua?!??!"


    Pointy :cool:
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    At McDonalds

    A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually.'


    Pointy :p

     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Celebrating 50 Years Together

    Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

    "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

    "Not to worry," said the father, "Important thing is we're all together today."

    Son No. 2 arrived.

    "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you."

    "It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."

    Just then the daughter arrived.

    "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

    After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time."

    "You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

    The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

    "Yep", said the father, "Cheap ones too…"


    Pointy :D
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Hooters

    During a long day of looking around the mall, a couple of my friends and I stopped in at 'Hooter's' for some Hot Wings and drinks.
    After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
    I told him, "The one who knows how to fix elevators."
    I'm old, tired, and have to pee a lot.


    Pointy :(
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Simple Truths

    Lovers help each other undress before sex.
    However after sex, they always dress on their own...
    Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


    Pointy :tup:
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  13. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    A Question

    What deep thinkers men are...
    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing.' The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what?' At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
    I rest my case.

    Time for another beer...


    Pointy :cool:
     
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Hands

    ATT00019.jpg


    Pointy :cautious:
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2014
  15. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    A Miracle?

    In a church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
    With that, John got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,

    "John, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
    John replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.


    He prayed a "blue streak" for John, and the whole congregation joined in.
    After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "John, how is your hearing now?"

    John answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."


    Pointy :whistling:

     
  16. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

    My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

    It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.
    The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
    over. Nobody was home!

    A hooker once told me she had a headache.

    I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

    If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

    I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

    I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

    I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

    I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

    The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

    My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

    I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

    My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

    My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

    MY
    FAVORITE:

    My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.


    Pointy :cool: ( I get no respect, either...)
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  17. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Little Jimmy At The Circus

    Little Jimmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Jimmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?"
    His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk."
    Jimmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."
    His mom, embarrassed, said "That's nothing."
    Jimmy isn't satisfied with her response, and turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?"
    Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis."
    "Mom said it was nothing."
    "I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."


    Pointy ;)
     
  18. Concudan

    Concudan Caffeinated Commando

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    NFL injury report policy.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1

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