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Jokes!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Pointyearedog, Aug 16, 2014.

  1. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Best Definition Of ObamaCare

    Nancy Pelosi said, “We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it.”
    A Doctor called-in to a radio show and said,
    "That's the definition of a stool sample."


    Pointy :sick: :poop:
     
  2. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    In Mourning

    A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
    The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
    'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
    The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'


    Pointy :whistling:
     
  3. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Hello Toes!

    Ed was celebrating 80 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes" he said. "How are you? You know, you are 80 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"
    "Hello knees" he continued. "How are you? You know you're 80 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees!"
    Then he looked down at his crotch.
    "Hello Willie! You little Prick. Just think, if you were alive today, you'd be 80!"


    Pointy :cool:
     
  4. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Woman Stops Gator Attack With A Small Beretta Pistol

    This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
    A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

    Here is her story:

    While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma , Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband
    discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting
    her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
    Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
    The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.


    Pointy :cautious:
     
  5. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Little Johnnie Joke

    Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

    His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
    Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
    When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby. 'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie.' Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'
    'Yes,' the mother replied, 'we are so thankful! The Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'

    'That's great,' said little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!'


    Pointy :roflmao:
     
  6. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    SEX

    Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore.
    A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.


    Pointy :rolleyes:
     
  7. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Senior Health

    I was at the Senior Center earlier today and failed a Health & Safety course that was put on for us old folks.
    One of the questions was:
    "In the event of a fire in the building, what steps would you take?"

    "F*cking big ones" was apparently the wrong answer...

    The bastards.


    Pointy :D
     
  8. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Seeing Eye Dogs

    Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

    The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got our dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch me and do as I do."

    They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing- eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

    The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the little dog said, "A Chihuahua???!!! They gave me a f*cking Chihuahua?!??!"


    Pointy :cool:
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    At McDonalds

    A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually.'


    Pointy :p

     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Celebrating 50 Years Together

    Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

    "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

    "Not to worry," said the father, "Important thing is we're all together today."

    Son No. 2 arrived.

    "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you."

    "It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."

    Just then the daughter arrived.

    "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

    After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time."

    "You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

    The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

    "Yep", said the father, "Cheap ones too…"


    Pointy :D
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Hooters

    During a long day of looking around the mall, a couple of my friends and I stopped in at 'Hooter's' for some Hot Wings and drinks.
    After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
    I told him, "The one who knows how to fix elevators."
    I'm old, tired, and have to pee a lot.


    Pointy :(
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Simple Truths

    Lovers help each other undress before sex.
    However after sex, they always dress on their own...
    Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


    Pointy :tup:
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  13. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    A Question

    What deep thinkers men are...
    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing.' The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what?' At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
    I rest my case.

    Time for another beer...


    Pointy :cool:
     
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Hands

    ATT00019.jpg


    Pointy :cautious:
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2014
  15. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    A Miracle?

    In a church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
    With that, John got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,

    "John, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
    John replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.


    He prayed a "blue streak" for John, and the whole congregation joined in.
    After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "John, how is your hearing now?"

    John answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."


    Pointy :whistling:

     
  16. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

    My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

    It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.
    The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
    over. Nobody was home!

    A hooker once told me she had a headache.

    I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

    If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

    I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

    I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

    I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

    I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

    The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

    My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

    I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

    My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

    My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

    MY
    FAVORITE:

    My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.


    Pointy :cool: ( I get no respect, either...)
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  17. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Little Jimmy At The Circus

    Little Jimmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Jimmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?"
    His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk."
    Jimmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."
    His mom, embarrassed, said "That's nothing."
    Jimmy isn't satisfied with her response, and turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?"
    Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis."
    "Mom said it was nothing."
    "I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."


    Pointy ;)
     
  18. Concudan

    Concudan Caffeinated Commando

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    NFL injury report policy.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  19. samfavela23

    samfavela23 BoltTalker

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    very good ones !! im gonna share it with my timeshare attorney partners , tnx for share
     
  20. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Harley & Vaseline


    Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
    He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a
    'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. Its shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain', and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who saysanything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

    Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
    So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still... Total silence.
    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

    Suddenly the father gets up and angrily shouts, 'Okay, I'll do the f*ckin’ dishes!!'

    Pointy :eek:
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  21. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    5th Grade

    A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class:
    What do you want to be when you grow up?

    Little Johnny says: "I want to start out as an Air Force Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
    The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. So she calls on one of the girls, "And how about you, Sarah?"

    Sarah replied, "I want to be Johnny's whore."


    Pointy :inlove:
     
  22. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    The Small Town Doctor

    Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
    Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference coincidentally held in his home town.
    He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
    As he bent over to retrieve them, and at precisely the wrong instant he inadvertently farted.
    The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.
    He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper.
    He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
    Many years later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her.
    He reserved a hotel room under the name of Smith and arrived under cover of darkness.
    The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Smith?"
    Dr. Goldberg replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
    "Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
    "Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return.
    "The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too.
    Dr. Goldberg replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
    The clerk asked, "Was it a long time ago?"
    Dr. Goldberg said, "Yes, many years."
    The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Goldberg Fart?"


    Pointy :D
     
  23. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Deep Thoughts


    1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Sh*thead's.


    2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.


    3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.


    4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"


    5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.


    6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."


    7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


    8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.


    9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?


    10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.


    11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.


    12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.


    13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


    14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.


    15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.


    16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.


    17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."


    18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.


    19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?


    20. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.


    21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?


    22. Marriage changes passion . . . Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


    23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?


    24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.


    25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!


    26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.


    Pointy :cool:
     
  24. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Distress At 18,000 Feet

    An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small
    twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was
    answered by one of the employees.

    The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a
    cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, Mayday! The pilot had an instant and
    fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he
    had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.
    I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday,
    Mayday!"
    The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
    "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down
    after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
    He began his series of questions.
    Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front
    of me".

    Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are
    traveling at 180 mph?"
    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of
    me".

    Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down?
    "Aircraft: "Because the sh*t in my pants is sliding out of my shirt
    collar."


    Pointy :rolleyes:
     
  25. Pointyearedog

    Pointyearedog I love the smell of football in the morning.

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    Caring Words From A Navy Pilot


    During a commercial airline flight an experienced Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as
    discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice, and upon disembarking he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
    When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby and he sure was hungry!"
    Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
    The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."


    Pointy :D
     

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