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The 20 people you'll meet on a sports message board

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by HollywoodLeo, Feb 20, 2008.

  1. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    Spend enough time on a message board and it becomes world of stylized, outsized characters that can look like anything they want in their avatars, stand for anything they want in their sig-lines, and strike any pose they want in their posts. The posturing loudmouth calling you douche-tastic for thinking the Rox were going to take the Sox in six might actually be 5'2", 275 pounds with brown teeth and a wart over his eye, but as far as you know he's William Hurt from Altered States. The ghetto philosopher with a lyric from a Cannibal Ox song as his sig might be white, forty-nine, and a family man. In the real world, they might be totally ineffectual. Here, like DeNiro's in Heat, their word counts. They have reputations to uphold and parts to play.
     
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  2. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

    Joined:
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    Here is just a sampling of the characters you can encounter on the boards:


    The Blowhard: Blustery and demanding, this guy seems to be under the impression that the team brass is hanging on his every word, despite the fact that not even his own family gives a **** what he thinks.

    Monk4Hall: I'm putting Dan Snyder on notice. If he hires Gregg Williams to be the head coach of this team, I'm going to personally see to it that there's hell to pay at Redskins Park this year.


    The Troll: he has five posts on his own team's board, and 595 on yours. And all 595 are essentially variations on the same theme- your team blows.

    SteelEmpire: Yah, Clownies suck! Winslow is a b*tch! Nice motorcycle crash LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!


    The "Cool" Visiting Fan: He wears the colors of a hated rival, but it doesn't matter- everyone on the board loves him anyway. He's always civil and always makes sure to point out that he "comes in peace".

    VikingFan85: I wish every Packers fan on earth would close their garage door, get in their car, and run the engine. Except for DickeyToCoffman- he's cool.

    DickeyToCoffman: Thanks. I respect the Vikings a lot, they've got a great tradition and they're on their way up. Good luck except when you're playing us!


    The Reactionary: He isn't always negative. When things are going just right, he's positively a *****cat. But if anything goes even slightly awry, duck- because the invective will be flying.

    Pupunu>Winslow: After yet another lackluster effort by #21, it's become more and more painfully apparent that the Tomlinson era needs to an end. A.J. should be hammering the phones this week looking for a trading partner for the overrated LT, who is nothing more than a slightly bigger Little Train James without the return skills. Maybe we can get a first-day pick, although I personally doubt it after a performance like that.

    The hell with it, let's just blow the whole thing up and start over again.

    ChargerPower: Am I missing something, or is it only Week Two?


    The Token Chick: Everyone on the board wants her. Not many know that she's a 42-year old divorcee who has a *****-gut, three kids by three dads and smokes a carton of Basics a day, but even if they did, it wouldn't matter; after all, she's the only female on the board, and a lot of the guys who inhabit the boards are pretty hard-up.

    RaiderGrrrrl: If I can get my ex to take the kids, I'll be at the opening weekend of training camp with bells on.

    E-RockRIP: Are you going to be wearing your heels and that leather corset I've heard so much about? I can't wait!!!


    This Post Causes Seizures: It is all but impossible to read his takes, because they're hidden in a blinking maze of moving .gifs. His posts look like a cross between a pinball machine and that montage Alex was forced to watch in A Clockwork Orange.

    Elway83: BLINKBLINKBLINKBLINKBLINKBLINK


    Fire ________ ________: Doesn't matter what the actual thread topic is: he will always find a way to bring it around to his pet obsession: getting the coach/GM, whoever he is, ****-canned. Just in case you don't get the point of every... single... one of his posts, he has his mission in the sigline- _________ _________ must go!

    Garthia'sBoyfriend: It's been crappy here in Sausalito. Nothing but gray skies and rain for the last three days.

    FrankNunley: It's the heavens' way of declaring that they're as fed up with Mike Nolan's reign of error as the rest of us. The skies have darkened over all of Niner-dome and we will not see the sun again glittering on the gold helmet until No-Win walks the plank!


    Mr. Bright Side: Can see a ray of sunshine in the nuclear winter that is his team's season. No matter how bleak and how hopeless things are for the local eleven (or nine, or five, or whatever), that happy stick is jammed securely up his ***, and it ain't comin' out for nothin'.

    WoodyBennett34: I really think that if Cleo steps up and plays to the level of his talent, the Dolphins can make a playoff run this year. Yeah, the Fins are 0-6, but the schedule gets easier from here on out. BTW, we're going to take the Pats in Foxboro. You heard it here first.


    The Jack of All (Unrealistic) Trades: His forte is a never-ending stream of trade proposals that would get him laughed off the screen in his Madden franchise, let alone real life. Go ahead and tell him how absurd his ideas are- he'll just be back with another ridiculous one before the day is through.

    FalconFanSinceVanBrocklin: Look, we need a quarterback, and after Asante Samuel bolts, the Pats are going to need a shutdown corner. If we package DeAngelo Hall and, say, one of our second-round picks, that should be enough to pry Brady away from NE. Cassel is thoroughly marinated in McDaniels' system and should be ready to start. We can pull this off IMO. Thoughts?


    The Conscience of the Board: The self-appointed moral center of the forum, the Conscience exists in a constant state of righteous outrage, always eager to find some ne'er-do-well who deviates from his idea of proper behavior and etiquette. His two favorite words in the English language are "classy" and "classless".

    TheLongLostThirdBarberBrother: I wouldn't mind seeing Reggie Bush tweak an ankle before the Aints comes to town. Nothing too serious, mind you- just enough to miss next week's game. Anyone have Bart Scott's #?

    Dungy99: OMG!!!! You're wishing injury on another human being??!!! Shame on you!!! That's the most classless thing I've ever read on this board!!! I just started a thread on the Saints board apologizing for TLLTBB's classless post. Mods, how about banning this cretin?????
     
  3. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    Emotionally Invested: You know the cop movies where the lieutenant calls the detective into his office and reprimands him: "You're getting too close!" Well, he's gotten too close. He tosses out more excuses and rationalizations than a battered wife. He's fallen in love with a player, and his heart won't allow him to admit that, well... it simply isn't going to work out.

    LosmanIsGod: Of course, you J.P. haters are just going to dismiss his performance by saying, "Oh, he went 8-for-25 with four interceptions, he sucks." Two of those interceptions were tipped, and I'm pretty sure Lee ran the wrong pattern on the last pick, although I have no idea if this is the case. Plus the wind was really bad. And this is only J.P.'s third season- he's practically still a rookie. Peyton Manning threw six interceptions in a game earlier this year. I guess he sucks too, right?

    If we get three or four All-Pros on the offensive line, a couple of more at receiver, if the defense plays at roughly an '85 Bears level and if Marshawn turns into a combination of Thurman Thomas and Joe Cribbs, J.P. can be a serviceable starter for us.


    Mr. Negative:
    Jessica Alba could cop his knob, and he'd complain about her not using enough tongue.

    BigBlue85309: Gilbride and his porn-stache need to be fired for leaving the Patriots 35 seconds to tie and/or win the game. Nice clock-management. No wonder Buddy Ryan tried to choke the life out of him back in Houston.


    Post-Count Nazi: It isn't about the content of your posts- it's about the quantity and the quantity only. Anyone with fewer than 5,000 posts is a n00b whose opinions are meaningless.

    DeathtoBillick: (12,345 posts): STFU n00b and know your role- an object of my amusement. I been with made people, connected people. Who you been with?


    His Problems are Your Problems: It probably isn't the best idea to drag your most intimate skeletons out of the closet and rattle them in front of a group of complete strangers, but he does it with regularity. He's either getting therapy without paying for it, or purposely engaging in self-abasement for a sin the details of which few care to know but probably will know by the time the mods getting around to locking this one.

    KurtWarnerPraystoMe: I have a problem. See, I'm a compulsive masturbator and porn addict. I jerk off anywhere from four to six times a day and have upwards of 30,000 naked pictures on my hard drive. Last night my wife noticed a pearl-colored, sticky residue on the keyboard and demanded to know what I've been up to. My marriage could be on the line here. Anyone got any advice for me? Thanks.


    English, please: His posts read like those online IQ tests where they switch the first and last letters of each word in a paragraph. His acquaintance with the language is a nodding one at best. Writers such as Yours Truly kind of like this cat, though- as mediocre as our prose is, we look like Hemingway compared to this moron.

    UnclFester: That las play we shud of not throne it b/c alls we neded was a feeld goal and if we call the write play I bet we cud of wun but now we los and its all b/c of that stooped desishin they need to fire the coche and git sumone who nows what he is duing for unce.


    The Political Animal: Politics really have no place on a sports message board. But don't tell that to the one who finds a way to loudly embed his viewpoint into pretty much every single post.

    HailtotheThief: Beli-****'s lies about not taping the Rams practices are right up there with the lies our so-called Commander-in-Chief told to start an illegal war in which 650,000 innocent people have died.


    The Talented Mr. Ripley: His credentials are so impressive, his career so time-consuming and lucrative, that it's a wonder he has time to post like a madman at three p.m. on a Tuesday.

    ChiefReign: Look, I was a double-MBA at Brown, I'm the CEO of a major pharmaceutical company, and my girlfriend is a former Miss Nude Texas with a 36-inch rack and the best pair of DSL's you ever saw. So I don't need to brag. Frankly, I don't even know why I waste my time arguing with a mouth-breather like you. Get back on that fryer and STFU, those mozzarella sticks aren't going to make themselves.*

    *- At some point in the ensuing flame-war the poster's actual living status will be speculated on with relish, and inevitably the possibility of his posting "from his parents' basement" will be thrown out there.


    The Tough Guy: A fabled character of message-board lore, this firecracker is ready and willing to meet on the playground after school to resolve a board dispute, no matter how inconsequential it is to everyone else.

    BillyBadass: Bet you wouldn't talk that way to my face, B1TCH. PM me and we can throw down if you're feeling f**king strong. Yeah, that's what I thought, *****.


    Don't Post Drunk: He starts his Sunday with a beer at seven a.m., and he's still going strong twelve hours later. If the game doesn't go the way he expects or desires, he's sure to post something that he'll really, really regret the next day.

    TitansMan2002: I hope that son-of-a-***** Dungy joins his dead son in hell.

    (Next day)

    TitansMan2002: Yesterday in the heat of emotion and alcohol, I posted something horribly inappropriate about Coach Dungy and his tragic family situation. I'm here to beg the forgiveness of every member of this board. That isn't who I am.

    http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryId=4104&SectionID=15&spage=1
     
  4. Buck Melanoma

    Buck Melanoma Guest

    Ratings:
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    :icon_rofl: :icon_rofl: :icon_rofl:

    Hey, wait a minute - you talkin' to ME?? :lol:
     
  5. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    Remind you of anyone? :lol:
     
  6. wrbanwal

    wrbanwal Well-Known Member

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    :icon_rofl::icon_rofl::icon_rofl:




    WHO ME????!!!!

    :lol::lol::lol:
     
  7. ChargerRay

    ChargerRay #FireMcCoy #FirePagano Staff Member Super Moderator Podcaster

    Joined:
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    Funny stuff. Which one are you?

    http://thephatphree.com/features.asp?SectionID=15&StoryID=4104&LayoutType=1

    Spend enough time on a message board and it becomes world of stylized, outsized characters that can look like anything they want in their avatars, stand for anything they want in their sig-lines, and strike any pose they want in their posts. The posturing loudmouth calling you douche-tastic for thinking the Rox were going to take the Sox in six might actually be 5'2", 275 pounds with brown teeth and a wart over his eye, but as far as you know he's William Hurt from Altered States. The ghetto philosopher with a lyric from a Cannibal Ox song as his sig might be white, forty-nine, and a family man. In the real world, they might be totally ineffectual. Here, like DeNiro's in Heat, their word counts. They have reputations to uphold and parts to play.

    Here is just a sampling of the characters you can encounter on the boards:

    The Blowhard: Blustery and demanding, this guy seems to be under the impression that the team brass is hanging on his every word, despite the fact that not even his own family gives a **** what he thinks.

    Monk4Hall: I'm putting Dan Snyder on notice. If he hires Gregg Williams to be the head coach of this team, I'm going to personally see to it that there's hell to pay at Redskins Park this year.

    The Troll: he has five posts on his own team's board, and 595 on yours. And all 595 are essentially variations on the same theme- your team blows.

    SteelEmpire: Yah, Clownies suck! Winslow is a b*tch! Nice motorcycle crash LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!

    The "Cool" Visiting Fan: He wears the colors of a hated rival, but it doesn't matter- everyone on the board loves him anyway. He's always civil and always makes sure to point out that he "comes in peace".

    VikingFan85: I wish every Packers fan on earth would close their garage door, get in their car, and run the engine. Except for DickeyToCoffman- he's cool.

    DickeyToCoffman: Thanks. I respect the Vikings a lot, they've got a great tradition and they're on their way up. Good luck except when you're playing us!

    The Reactionary: He isn't always negative. When things are going just right, he's positively a *****cat. But if anything goes even slightly awry, duck- because the invective will be flying.

    Pupunu>Winslow: After yet another lackluster effort by #21, it's become more and more painfully apparent that the Tomlinson era needs to an end. A.J. should be hammering the phones this week looking for a trading partner for the overrated LT, who is nothing more than a slightly bigger Little Train James without the return skills. Maybe we can get a first-day pick, although I personally doubt it after a performance like that.

    The hell with it, let's just blow the whole thing up and start over again.

    ChargerPower: Am I missing something, or is it only Week Two?

    The Token Chick: Everyone on the board wants her. Not many know that she's a 42-year old divorcee who has a *****-gut, three kids by three dads and smokes a carton of Basics a day, but even if they did, it wouldn't matter; after all, she's the only female on the board, and a lot of the guys who inhabit the boards are pretty hard-up.

    RaiderGrrrrl: If I can get my ex to take the kids, I'll be at the opening weekend of training camp with bells on.

    E-RockRIP: Are you going to be wearing your heels and that leather corset I've heard so much about? I can't wait!!!

    This Post Causes Seizures: It is all but impossible to read his takes, because they're hidden in a blinking maze of moving .gifs. His posts look like a cross between a pinball machine and that montage Alex was forced to watch in A Clockwork Orange.

    Elway83: BLINKBLINKBLINKBLINKBLINKBLINK

    Fire ________ ________: Doesn't matter what the actual thread topic is: he will always find a way to bring it around to his pet obsession: getting the coach/GM, whoever he is, ****-canned. Just in case you don't get the point of every... single... one of his posts, he has his mission in the sigline- _________ _________ must go!

    Garthia'sBoyfriend: It's been crappy here in Sausalito. Nothing but gray skies and rain for the last three days.

    FrankNunley: It's the heavens' way of declaring that they're as fed up with Mike Nolan's reign of error as the rest of us. The skies have darkened over all of Niner-dome and we will not see the sun again glittering on the gold helmet until No-Win walks the plank!

    Mr. Bright Side: Can see a ray of sunshine in the nuclear winter that is his team's season. No matter how bleak and how hopeless things are for the local eleven (or nine, or five, or whatever), that happy stick is jammed securely up his ***, and it ain't comin' out for nothin'.

    WoodyBennett34: I really think that if Cleo steps up and plays to the level of his talent, the Dolphins can make a playoff run this year. Yeah, the Fins are 0-6, but the schedule gets easier from here on out. BTW, we're going to take the Pats in Foxboro. You heard it here first.

    The Jack of All (Unrealistic) Trades: His forte is a never-ending stream of trade proposals that would get him laughed off the screen in his Madden franchise, let alone real life. Go ahead and tell him how absurd his ideas are- he'll just be back with another ridiculous one before the day is through.

    FalconFanSinceVanBrocklin: Look, we need a quarterback, and after Asante Samuel bolts, the Pats are going to need a shutdown corner. If we package DeAngelo Hall and, say, one of our second-round picks, that should be enough to pry Brady away from NE. Cassel is thoroughly marinated in McDaniels' system and should be ready to start. We can pull this off IMO. Thoughts?
    @@PageBreak@@
    The Conscience of the Board: The self-appointed moral center of the forum, the Conscience exists in a constant state of righteous outrage, always eager to find some ne'er-do-well who deviates from his idea of proper behavior and etiquette. His two favorite words in the English language are "classy" and "classless".

    TheLongLostThirdBarberBrother: I wouldn't mind seeing Reggie Bush tweak an ankle before the Aints comes to town. Nothing too serious, mind you- just enough to miss next week's game. Anyone have Bart Scott's #?

    Dungy99: OMG!!!! You're wishing injury on another human being??!!! Shame on you!!! That's the most classless thing I've ever read on this board!!! I just started a thread on the Saints board apologizing for TLLTBB's classless post. Mods, how about banning this cretin?????

    Emotionally Invested: You know the cop movies where the lieutenant calls the detective into his office and reprimands him: "You're getting too close!" Well, he's gotten too close. He tosses out more excuses and rationalizations than a battered wife. He's fallen in love with a player, and his heart won't allow him to admit that, well... it simply isn't going to work out.

    LosmanIsGod: Of course, you J.P. haters are just going to dismiss his performance by saying, "Oh, he went 8-for-25 with four interceptions, he sucks." Two of those interceptions were tipped, and I'm pretty sure Lee ran the wrong pattern on the last pick, although I have no idea if this is the case. Plus the wind was really bad. And this is only J.P.'s third season- he's practically still a rookie. Peyton Manning threw six interceptions in a game earlier this year. I guess he sucks too, right?

    If we get three or four All-Pros on the offensive line, a couple of more at receiver, if the defense plays at roughly an '85 Bears level and if Marshawn turns into a combination of Thurman Thomas and Joe Cribbs, J.P. can be a serviceable starter for us.

    Mr. Negative: Jessica Alba could cop his knob, and he'd complain about her not using enough tongue.

    BigBlue85309: Gilbride and his porn-stache need to be fired for leaving the Patriots 35 seconds to tie and/or win the game. Nice clock-management. No wonder Buddy Ryan tried to choke the life out of him back in Houston.

    Post-Count Nazi: It isn't about the content of your posts- it's about the quantity and the quantity only. Anyone with fewer than 5,000 posts is a n00b whose opinions are meaningless.

    DeathtoBillick: (12,345 posts): STFU n00b and know your role- an object of my amusement. I been with made people, connected people. Who you been with?

    His Problems are Your Problems: It probably isn't the best idea to drag your most intimate skeletons out of the closet and rattle them in front of a group of complete strangers, but he does it with regularity. He's either getting therapy without paying for it, or purposely engaging in self-abasement for a sin the details of which few care to know but probably will know by the time the mods getting around to locking this one.

    KurtWarnerPraystoMe: I have a problem. See, I'm a compulsive masturbator and porn addict. I jerk off anywhere from four to six times a day and have upwards of 30,000 naked pictures on my hard drive. Last night my wife noticed a pearl-colored, sticky residue on the keyboard and demanded to know what I've been up to. My marriage could be on the line here. Anyone got any advice for me? Thanks.

    English, please: His posts read like those online IQ tests where they switch the first and last letters of each word in a paragraph. His acquaintance with the language is a nodding one at best. Writers such as Yours Truly kind of like this cat, though- as mediocre as our prose is, we look like Hemingway compared to this moron.

    UnclFester: That las play we shud of not throne it b/c alls we neded was a feeld goal and if we call the write play I bet we cud of wun but now we los and its all b/c of that stooped desishin they need to fire the coche and git sumone who nows what he is duing for unce.

    .
     
  8. ChargerRay

    ChargerRay #FireMcCoy #FirePagano Staff Member Super Moderator Podcaster

    Joined:
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    THE 20 PEOPLE YOU MEET ON A SPORT SITE

    Cont...

    The Political Animal: Politics really have no place on a sports message board. But don't tell that to the one who finds a way to loudly embed his viewpoint into pretty much every single post.

    HailtotheThief: Beli-****'s lies about not taping the Rams practices are right up there with the lies our so-called Commander-in-Chief told to start an illegal war in which 650,000 innocent people have died.

    The Talented Mr. Ripley: His credentials are so impressive, his career so time-consuming and lucrative, that it's a wonder he has time to post like a madman at three p.m. on a Tuesday.

    ChiefReign: Look, I was a double-MBA at Brown, I'm the CEO of a major pharmaceutical company, and my girlfriend is a former Miss Nude Texas with a 36-inch rack and the best pair of DSL's you ever saw. So I don't need to brag. Frankly, I don't even know why I waste my time arguing with a mouth-breather like you. Get back on that fryer and STFU, those mozzarella sticks aren't going to make themselves.*

    *- At some point in the ensuing flame-war the poster's actual living status will be speculated on with relish, and inevitably the possibility of his posting "from his parents' basement" will be thrown out there.

    The Tough Guy: A fabled character of message-board lore, this firecracker is ready and willing to meet on the playground after school to resolve a board dispute, no matter how inconsequential it is to everyone else.

    BillyBadass: Bet you wouldn't talk that way to my face, B1TCH. PM me and we can throw down if you're feeling f**king strong. Yeah, that's what I thought, *****.

    Don't Post Drunk: He starts his Sunday with a beer at seven a.m., and he's still going strong twelve hours later. If the game doesn't go the way he expects or desires, he's sure to post something that he'll really, really regret the next day.

    TitansMan2002: I hope that son-of-a-***** Dungy joins his dead son in hell.

    (Next day)

    TitansMan2002: Yesterday in the heat of emotion and alcohol, I posted something horribly inappropriate about Coach Dungy and his tragic family situation. I'm here to beg the forgiveness of every member of this board. That isn't who I am
     
  9. in_a_days

    in_a_days dgaf

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    Thanks for the update Ray :icon_tease:

    I'm the token chick
     
  10. ChargerRay

    ChargerRay #FireMcCoy #FirePagano Staff Member Super Moderator Podcaster

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    Whoops thanks for merging this. Didn't see your post Leo.
     
  11. HollywoodLeo

    HollywoodLeo Well-Known Member

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    No kidding
     
  12. BOLTS4LIFE

    BOLTS4LIFE Banned Banned

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    Where the **** is "The Yelling Mon?!!!" :icon_evil:
     
  13. Thread_Killer

    Thread_Killer Well-Known Member

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    Word.

    :icon_rofl:
     

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