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Very important rools for celebrating St Patrick's Day-

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by BFISA, Mar 12, 2007.

  1. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

    Nov 16, 2005
    Pay very close attention . . . this could save your life !!!

    St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's
    population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely *********.

    However, while we appreciate that those who aren't Irish who wish to join in
    celebrating the day St. Patrick drove the serpents out of Ireland using
    only the power of God, a quart of Jameson, and weapons-grade irradiated
    cobalt, the way most people observe St. Patrick's Day is offensive and
    disrespectful. There's nothing more pathetic than some fat Pollock swilling
    seven Buds mixed with carcinogenic green dye drunkenly arguing that INXS
    is authentic Irish music just before barfing into a plate of corned beef and

    Let's face it: most people are in no condition to handle the all-day drunk
    of St. Patrick's Day. However, if you follow this simple blueprint, you
    can enjoy St. Patrick's Day with no fear that anyone will think you're not
    from the Auld Sod, even if your name is Amhed Al Jihad.

    Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
    Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use after-
    shave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3
    p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without
    proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a
    fraternity carpet.

    The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following
    supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in
    an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet
    and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up.

    1 quart spring water
    1 bottle aspirin
    5 pairs Depends undergarment
    1 bottle Percocets
    1 gram morphine sulphate
    1 oz. human adrenaline extract
    1 precharged electric defibrillator
    4 Cardiac needles
    1 trauma surgeon Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 ozs. Jameson Irish
    whiskey, drink.

    Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a
    reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large
    volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day,
    you ARE going to die.

    Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot
    stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to
    chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you
    have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.

    Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
    Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at
    all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston
    in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has
    bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty ****.
    Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans.

    Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is
    liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for
    drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of
    an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter.
    By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild
    urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit.

    We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the
    stimulant level, however, you should not order an Irish Coffee, as you will
    be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry,
    and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a
    cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with Jameson or Bushmill and ask
    the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to
    your day like the occasional whippet.

    Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
    It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something
    because like the man said in Blazing Saddles: "Man drink like that, without
    eating, he is going to die." If you want to maintain your buzz and not get
    that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are
    only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll
    need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and
    both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too
    early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language
    besides I'm pregnant: You're shut off. By now, you should switch off of
    coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here:

    Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember:
    beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.

    Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
    By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail
    out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the
    bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is.

    By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the
    person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some
    conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football
    really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than your
    wife or husband.

    The English are all piss-arsed, pig-screwing bastards who should be lined up
    and kicked into the Liffey.

    If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names
    for Tony Blair, you can talk to the Irish for hours.

    You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may
    want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.

    The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing. Your goal, of course, is to be the last
    person to leave the bar at closing time.

    This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 equals death,
    and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now.

    The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with
    honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter
    who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You
    will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone
    since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.

    Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes
    to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you
    leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin
    screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend,
    and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her
    stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out.

    By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience
    would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically
    impossible for you to remember any of it.
  2. chiefsgal

    chiefsgal Well-Known Member

    Jan 15, 2007
    you must know my uncle mike....:lol:
  3. rexy2006

    rexy2006 Well-Known Member

    Dec 17, 2005
    I'm still on Leg 5 from last year...:yes:
  4. RAIDOOORS!...suck

    RAIDOOORS!...suck Well-Known Member

    Sep 4, 2006
    that kind of sounds like every sunday during football season even more so if your going to the game at the Q.
  5. Shamrock

    Shamrock Well-Known Member

    Jun 18, 2006
    I thought the first "rool" was to spell rule correctly. ..... :D
  6. BFISA

    BFISA Well-Known Member

    Nov 16, 2005
    Start a pole to find out for shure.
  7. TheLash

    TheLash Well-Known Member

    Aug 8, 2006
  8. rexy2006

    rexy2006 Well-Known Member

    Dec 17, 2005
    U tell im, Hun.:D
  9. rexy2006

    rexy2006 Well-Known Member

    Dec 17, 2005
  10. Concudan

    Concudan Caffeinated Commando

    Mar 5, 2006
    Yall best stop makin fun of the Irish.

    Or we will drink all da beer and ye will have none!
  11. Thumper

    Thumper WHS

    Aug 24, 2005
    Sounds like you've been to our tailgate parties. :tup:
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Lightning's Girl

    Lightning's Girl Mod Chick =) Staff Member Moderator

    Jan 15, 2007
    Whew! Reminds me of some of the St. Patty's Days of old, which created a marvelous excuse to get totally ****-faced, shoe-puking, commode-hugging drunk. Y'ever feel like something the dog found under the house and all your body fluids are green for three days afterwards? Yup, that was me after downing several pitchers of green beer, eating green chocolate chip cookies, and getting all teary-eyed while singing "Danny Boy" at the top of my lungs..........ye gawds, those were the days all right! Too bad I can't remember 'em all, huh?:icon_huh:

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